*"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colin."
-Chris Rock
*"Roman Polanski was not able to attend the Oscars to accept his Best Director trophy because he is still a wanted fugitive for having sex with a 13-year old girl. Upon hearing the news, Michael Jackson asked "A girl? That's disgusting!""
-Conan O'Brien
*“In Kansas this week, over a hundred fish were found dead in the Baker Wetlands and local environmentalists fear that someone may have deliberately killed them. In response, President Bush says that we have no choice but to go to war with Iraq.”
-Jimmy Fallon
*“A half-hour into the movie, the film reel got stuck in the projector and caught on fire. That was by far the best part.”
-Roger Ebert on The Hot Chick
* In California, 50 women protested the war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word 'peace.' Right idea, wrong president. –Leno
*“This week, the company that makes French's mustard tried to avoid a possible boycott by announcing that they are not a French company. Not only that, they also changed their slogan to: 'French's-The White Trash Mustard.'” –Conan O’Brien
“The MTA will hold hearings next month to discuss ending the use of subway tokens in New York. Apparently the only joy MTA workers get is watching people incorrectly swipe a Metrocard, and then slamming their groins into the turnstyle.”
-Jimmy Fallon
*“A lawsuit filed by two New York teenagers alleging that McDonald’s made them fat, was dismissed Wednesday by a Manhattan judge, who said that it was not the court’s place to protect people from their own bad decisions. The ruling stems from the landmark 1988 case Hammer v. Pants."
-Tina Fey
“Sex with a woman is like a game of basketball. It’s one-on-one and if you are keeping and you find yourself in the lead, let her catch up. Then, let her win. Beware that if you win more often than you lose, then you, sir, will find yourself on the free agent market real soon.”
"Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound)"
http://3.141592653589793238462643383...utopron.org/pi
Representative Dick Armey, who when asked if he had been in President Clinton's place, would he have resigned?
He responded: "If I were in the President's place I would not have gotten a chance to resign. I would be laying in a pool of my own blood, hearing Mrs. Armey standing over me saying, "How do I reload this damn thing?"
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose. –Robin Williams
"Yesterday in the Bronx, a 15-year-old girl brought a loaded 22-caliber handgun to school. Bronx school officials immediately sent the girl home to get something bigger." -Conan
"President Bush unveiled his new economic stimulus plan this week. It was reported that if the plan passes the president himself would save $44,000 in taxes, Dick Cheney would save $327,000, and you could afford to take the whole family down to Burger King to pick up job applications." —Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update
“Isn’t that amazing, we didn’t even marry and she still got half of the loot.”
-Evan Mariott, aka “Joe Millionaire”
“According to new census bureau data, the largest minority group in the U.S. is now Latinos. And the smallest minority group is once again.. dwarfs. Quick note here. "Dwarf" is a politically correct term for a kind of little person, not a slur. "Midget" is a slur. I'd rather say "midget.." it's funnier, but if you want politically correct, say "dwarf." I know that sounds silly, but a midget explained it to me once.”
-Jimmy Fallon
“Shania Twain said that she doesn’t care if she ever performs again. This is the first time Shania and I have ever agreed on anything.”
-Tina Fey