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I am here! This might not have been possible if it weren't for the principle, counselor, parents, friends and a select few others that recognized my pain when I was 8 years old. That's when it started. I hated myself.....I felt a lot of mental and emotional pain that I couldn't possibly begin to understand at such an early age. I hated the way I looked, I hated the way I felt, and yet I was only 8 years old. I had "pain" in my head that I couldn't begin to express because I was too young to put it in to coherent thoughts. This "pain" needed to be unleashed over the years, so I picked up a razor and began to carve things into my arms. On multiple occasions, I would lightly run the blade over my wrists to make a trickle of blood. I was amused by the release it gave me. I was also amused at the thoughts of ending it all right then and there. I thought a lot about "the darkness" and the end to my mental turmoil.......
This phase lasted through High School.
I look back on it now and wonder how I could have ever contemplated suicide at such a young age. My life didn't have problems, yet I had this deep depression in my head, tucked into a tiny corner of my brain that I could not understand, nor do I think I could make others understand it. I now know that I am much stronger than that.
It is easy to condemn people for trying it....and failing....
It is easy to say how selfish it is...
It is easy for you to detail how wonderful your life is compared to other people's lives in worse situations.....
But when the sense of hopelessness completely and totally consumes you, how can you condemn something that you don't understand?
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Doh!!!!
-Homer Simpson
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