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a;ert... this is a rant i did when trying to answer art. it is a mess, it is jumble up but it is real. if you can decipher it, cool.
Death has danced with me every day of my life. I learned long ago to accept it. I do fear death at times, too. Sometimes I don’t care at all. Sometimes I have insanely scared. But to live is to die; period. You will die. Accept it now.
As for staying positive. If you find ‘the answer’, please, please let me know. God knows I want to know! This is my basic “Z Philosophy of the Moment #384240” (which I will sell you if you send me $$):
Yo ass gonna die, biotch!
Truly, there isn’t a goddamned thing you can do about it. However, right now you live. To live in such fear that you waste the entirety of your life fearing the inevitable is juvenile. So look:
I live my life day by day and if you think that is a stretch I can show you where I’ve lived hour by hour. Right now, honestly, I’m not so thrilled with my life. But I do enjoy a large part of it. I try hard to forget about Mr. Reaper when possible. It’s like school. You close your eyes, you can pull the covers over your head, you can even hide in the closet… but yer going to school, buddy!
So if you can’t consciously be ‘positive’ while living (god knows I can’t – at least not in the trademark smiley gladhand fashion Americans have recently adopted) then simply live.
I get up in the morning. I do my day’s activities; food, sleep, whatever. I go to sleep between 3 am and 8 am and repeat the cycle. So instead of saying are you positive maybe we should simply focus on ‘are you living or withering away???’.
In 2001 I came very close to totally cracking up. I don’t think it is possible for me to have a complete nervous breakdown, but I got as far as I could go. If I saw a doctor’s office I’d almost faint, if I heard a noise I’d almost faint. I totally lost control of my life when I realized… this is fucking stupid. Fuck the people around me for making me think that ‘to live’ is to be what they wanted me to be. Fuck every manipulative bastard, fuck every single person who tried to change me into what I wasn’t, fuck every single person who didn’t accept me for me. I started living. Am I happy? Some. In the middle. But I live. I no longer live by other’s expectations and censor myself from respect, not an authority happy dipshit.
So fuck it… live. Try to live positively. If you cannot, it is okay! Just try hard to not ruin everyone elses life also.
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