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Job Application
This is the job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's:
NAME: Greg
SEX: Not yet. Still looking.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place, would I?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options. If that's not possible,
make an offer (any offer) and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: A target for middle management hostility.
EDUCATION: Yes, but it doesn't seem to be paying off.
LAST SALARY: Way less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING LAST POSITION: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday, with a
half-hour break around 2:00 p.m.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment and I don't like to get caught doing them at work.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do
you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no; on my breaks, yes; substance - I rather not
say.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy, dumb, sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the
greatest thing since sliced bread.
Who am I kidding, I'd like to be doing that right now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Pisces.
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