Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
What did the apple say to the banana?
Nothing. Apples don't talk.
Two sausages are in a frying pan. One says, "Geez, it's hot in here isn't it?" And the other one says, "Aaaaaah! A talking sausage!"
What can you sit on, brush your teeth with, and eat soup with?
A chair, a toothbrush, and a spoon.
What's green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?
"Dam."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, hoping that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A neutron went into a bar and asked the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."
An atom said to another atom, "please help - someone has stolen one of my electrons." "Are you sure?" asked the other atom. "Yes," replied the first atom. "I'm positive."
What's red and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket.
What's blue and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise.
What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
A man visited his doctor for a regular checkup. The doctor checked him out and gave him some bad news. "There are two things wrong with you," he said. "You have cancer and Alzheimer's." "Well," said the man, "at least I don't have cancer."
A man was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right.
How are an elephant and a plum the same?
They're both purple, except for the elephant.
How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Put the elephant in.
Step three: Close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Take the elephant out.
Step three: Put the giraffe in.
Step four: Close the door.
If an elephant and a giraffe had a race, who would win?
The elephant. The giraffe is in the refrigerator.
When ducks fly in a V, why is one side of the V longer than the other?
There are more ducks on that side.
Why are elephants gray?
So you don't get them confused with blueberries.
Why do ducks have flat webbed feet?
To stomp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have big flat feet?
To stomp out burning ducks.
