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when i was younger, i was in the same position numist put himself in, the one who helped everyone, but really had no outlet to help himself. i became overwhelmed, so i took a knife and pressed it to my flesh, but i didn't like the way it felt, so i pulled it away. in another instance, i found myself at my grandparent's house, but i couldn't find a key to my grandpa's gun safe, so those plans were thwarted. i don't think i ever told anybody about those episodes, they just kinda got buried in the heap of everything else happening.
i'm going through another spate of difficulties, and it often feels like there's so much negative that there's no way to get out of the red. i've often considered the consequenses of going through the actions, and even further, the consequenses of dealing with the source of many of these problems before taking care of myself. i know in the deepest part of my heart that it wouldn't solve anything, but it would be such a gratification to know that noone else's life will ever be ruined like mine was.
and then i think about my girlfriend and realize that not only would i miss her, but that she dosen't deserve the pain and suffering of a loss like that. i'm having dark thoughts lately, but her light keeps me from being swallowed by the shadows. she's my lifesaver, in more ways then one.
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My country is the world, and my religion is to do good.
- Thomas Paine
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