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this is really fucking bothering me...
third night in a row that her and i have gone and done something with other people involved, and its the third night in a row i find myself severely depressed.
her friend was having a party tonight so she invited me and our mutual friend "brad" along. thought it would be fun, so sure, lets go. get there, things are alright, but i just have this... weird feeling. as the evening continues to progress on, i hear one of her other friends make a joke that three of her ex-boyfriends are going to be there (he is unaware that I am one of them too, so that's four, shoot me now, please?). then she and him get into this 'debate' over how many of them are actually ex-boyfriends and how many of them were just 'good friends *wink wink*'. well, my stomach just turns sour, my mood goes straight to shit, and the evening continues to spiral downward for me. she basically kept away from me the entire night, spending a lot of her time with our mutual friend "brad". this further added to my growing depression and got to the point where i just told her we were leaving because i didn't want to be at the party any more. [sidenote: the party sucked. ton of underage kids and even more people i didn't know and didn't want to know, and i was the designated driver because her car was having 'problems']
as we were leaving, she asked me what was wrong, and i told her that i wanted to talk to her about it later, not in front of "brad". in the car she asked why towards the end of the last three evenings we've hung out, why i kept getting grumpy. again i told her we'd talk about it later. every time i told her that i wanted to talk to her in private later, she was like 'okay' with this little chuckle like it was funny....................................
why is that funny????
hopefully we can sit down and talk about this because if we don't, i may just cut her from my life entirely until i can figure these things out. after over two years of not seeing her at all, these rush of emotions and feelings and questions that have shot to the surface of my mind and it's an overload. i'm not emotionally prepared to handle this much crap all at once.
gah. girls. hearts. emotions. depression. i hate these things right now.
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