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Mikado · 10-16-2003, 08:22 AM

Here are a few good ones.

Two men, a priest and an atheist, are playing golf. At the green on the first hole, the atheist, lines up for a short two-foot putt, taps the ball, and the ball slips around the edge of the cup and does not go in. "Dammit, I missed!" exclaims the atheist. The priest then tells the atheist that he shouldn't curse, because God will punish the atheist for doing so.

On the second hole, the atheist tries a particularly aggressive chip shot to get the ball onto the green and instead lands in a sand bunker. "Dammit I missed!" exclaimed the atheist, to which the priest again issued a warning about God punishing those who curse. The round continues in much the same way, with the atheist continuing to exclaim "Dammit I missed!" every time he hits an errant ball (which is quite often), and the priest continues to admonish him about God's wrath.

Finally, they get to the eighteenth hole and the score is tied. The atheist needs to make a two-foot putt in order to win. He taps the ball, and again he misses, and again, he curses his miss. Before the priest can respond, the clouds in the sky open up, and a bolt of lightning shoots out and hits the priest, killing him. Then, from the cloud comes a loud voice "Dammit, I missed."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tam went to Confession and said to the priest, "Forgive me, Father. I used the F-word this week."

"Ah, my son. Tell me the circumstances which caused you to use the F-word. After all, I can understand a person being provoked into using it."

"Well, I was golfing and I had just hit a beautiful tee-shot that sailed straight as an arrow for 280 yards, but then suddenly sliced into the woods."

"That is when you used the F-word. I can appreciate your frustration, my son, as I am a golfer myself."

"No, I stayed cool at that point, Father. I then hit a perfect shot out of the woods, but suddenly it landed in the sand trap."

"Now, I can understand you saying the F-word at that point."

"No, Father, I was calm even then. I got out my sand wedge and hit a perfect shot out of the trap right at the pin, but suddenly the ball stopped an inch from the cup."

"Ah, that is when you used the F-word. How frustrating."

"No, Father, I was still cool."

"YOU MEAN YOU MISSED THE F***ING PUTT?!?!??!"

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Amateur: "How do you get so much backspin?''
Pro: "Before I answer that, tell me, how far do you hit a 5 iron?''
Amateur: "About 130.''
Pro: "Then why in the world would you want the ball to spin *back*?''

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

These four gents go out to play golf one day. One is detained in the clubhouse and the remaining three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter,but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful that in his last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man not to be outdone, told how his daughter began her career as a car salesperson, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "She's so successful, in fact, in the last six months she gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives, they tell him that they have been discussing their children and ask him about his son.

"To tell the truth,I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been in and out of work and I've just recently discovered he's a bisexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three lovers have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

10-16-2003, 08:22 AM	#6 (permalink)
Mikado Crazy Location: Houston, Texas	Here are a few good ones. Two men, a priest and an atheist, are playing golf. At the green on the first hole, the atheist, lines up for a short two-foot putt, taps the ball, and the ball slips around the edge of the cup and does not go in. "Dammit, I missed!" exclaims the atheist. The priest then tells the atheist that he shouldn't curse, because God will punish the atheist for doing so. On the second hole, the atheist tries a particularly aggressive chip shot to get the ball onto the green and instead lands in a sand bunker. "Dammit I missed!" exclaimed the atheist, to which the priest again issued a warning about God punishing those who curse. The round continues in much the same way, with the atheist continuing to exclaim "Dammit I missed!" every time he hits an errant ball (which is quite often), and the priest continues to admonish him about God's wrath. Finally, they get to the eighteenth hole and the score is tied. The atheist needs to make a two-foot putt in order to win. He taps the ball, and again he misses, and again, he curses his miss. Before the priest can respond, the clouds in the sky open up, and a bolt of lightning shoots out and hits the priest, killing him. Then, from the cloud comes a loud voice "Dammit, I missed." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Tam went to Confession and said to the priest, "Forgive me, Father. I used the F-word this week." "Ah, my son. Tell me the circumstances which caused you to use the F-word. After all, I can understand a person being provoked into using it." "Well, I was golfing and I had just hit a beautiful tee-shot that sailed straight as an arrow for 280 yards, but then suddenly sliced into the woods." "That is when you used the F-word. I can appreciate your frustration, my son, as I am a golfer myself." "No, I stayed cool at that point, Father. I then hit a perfect shot out of the woods, but suddenly it landed in the sand trap." "Now, I can understand you saying the F-word at that point." "No, Father, I was calm even then. I got out my sand wedge and hit a perfect shot out of the trap right at the pin, but suddenly the ball stopped an inch from the cup." "Ah, that is when you used the F-word. How frustrating." "No, Father, I was still cool." "YOU MEAN YOU MISSED THE F**ING PUTT?!?!??!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Amateur: "How do you get so much backspin?'' Pro: "Before I answer that, tell me, how far do you hit a 5 iron?'' Amateur: "About 130.'' Pro: "Then why in the world would you want the ball to spin back*?'' --------------------------------------------------------------------------- These four gents go out to play golf one day. One is detained in the clubhouse and the remaining three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding industry. He began as a carpenter,but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful that in his last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man not to be outdone, told how his daughter began her career as a car salesperson, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "She's so successful, in fact, in the last six months she gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives, they tell him that they have been discussing their children and ask him about his son. "To tell the truth,I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been in and out of work and I've just recently discovered he's a bisexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three lovers have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."