Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Guys--how do you get over infidelity? (vent warning)

a2k · 10-10-2003, 07:55 AM

If your therapist is good, s/he will quickly turn the tides and show you that your issues aren't so much with your being cheated on as much as they are something like:

1) Putting yourself in a position where you got cheated on
2) Not having the confidence in this and other relationships to make a decision on how to deal with it and move on

Only you can decide if this is worth working through, but I can tell you one thing from my experience that may or may not apply: For about the first 10 years of dating, I was in relationships because of what I thought of the girl - "she's beautiful, smart, fun, sexy, blah, blah". I would put this before the relationship that we created and how we interacted. I was in awe that I got to be with her, sleep with her, etc., even if our relationship was shit, our interaction was shit, and she treated me like shit. I was a victim of the pedastal.

A few years ago there was a paradigm shift in my perspective toward relationships that took them to a whole new level. I woke up one day and realized that while all of those great things about these women I'd been in 'relationships' was cool, a relationship based on my admiration or awe was a pretty one-sided relationship. Suddenly, it became all about the way we interact, the way we treat each other, and the relationship that we build together. For the first time, I'd go on a date with a really hot girl and quickly lose interest if I didn't see that interaction potential.

What I'm really getting at is that no matter how great she is, if the kind of relationship you create with her puts enough stress on you to land you in therapy, is this the kind of relationship you want?

10-10-2003, 07:55 AM	#30 (permalink)
a2k Crazy Location: Seattle	If your therapist is good, s/he will quickly turn the tides and show you that your issues aren't so much with your being cheated on as much as they are something like: 1) Putting yourself in a position where you got cheated on 2) Not having the confidence in this and other relationships to make a decision on how to deal with it and move on Only you can decide if this is worth working through, but I can tell you one thing from my experience that may or may not apply: For about the first 10 years of dating, I was in relationships because of what I thought of the girl - "she's beautiful, smart, fun, sexy, blah, blah". I would put this before the relationship that we created and how we interacted. I was in awe that I got to be with her, sleep with her, etc., even if our relationship was shit, our interaction was shit, and she treated me like shit. I was a victim of the pedastal. A few years ago there was a paradigm shift in my perspective toward relationships that took them to a whole new level. I woke up one day and realized that while all of those great things about these women I'd been in 'relationships' was cool, a relationship based on my admiration or awe was a pretty one-sided relationship. Suddenly, it became all about the way we interact, the way we treat each other, and the relationship that we build together. For the first time, I'd go on a date with a really hot girl and quickly lose interest if I didn't see that interaction potential. What I'm really getting at is that no matter how great she is, if the kind of relationship you create with her puts enough stress on you to land you in therapy, is this the kind of relationship you want?