Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - I need Your Advice: An Interesting Story of Love, Racism, Poverty, and Weezer

Randerolf · 10-08-2003, 10:31 PM

Hello,

It is 12:07 Am in Jacksonville, Florida and a familiar stranger is asking you for your help, but before I get started, I’d like to thank you for reading my post. I know sometimes it’s not easy to sit down and read text from someone a million miles away, but I thank you for reading this one.

My Humanities midterm is in thirteen hours and I should sleep, but I feel that this is more important than grades or sleep. (I’m confidant in my Humanities class anyways

).

----Into

As many stories do, let me start this one with a girl. This post is more than just a girl. It’s about me as a person, but we must begin somewhere.

I like this girl that goes to my community college. She is cute, creative, loves music, and is intelligent. I feel that we could get along great. Last the spring semester I got back into college after running out of money and working my way back into school. My first day back before class, I sat in the library reading. A beautiful girl sat down near me; I said to myself that it was too bad that we would never know one another. A pretty girl who likes to read. It was time to go to class, so I left with a tinge of sadness.

----The Past

You see, I’m kind of a quiet guy. A bit shy. I’ve never had a girlfriend and my dating experience is zero. In my senior year of high school, my father married my stepmother who lived about 45 minutes north of Jacksonville and I met a girl up there who I thought things were going quite nicely. I was never sure what to do though because we met at a conservative church that was new to me and my father and I didn’t know how to act in their church. Add the fact that I’m a bit socially inept, and that my attempts to “go have coffee” were turned down, led to bit of confusion to this newbie to the world of dating. Finding a girl who shows a romantic interest in me is rare. Women just don’t see me like that. Thus, with my lack of self esteem, I sought to improve myself and learn all I could about dating. Try to be the best I could. Treat her right. Yet, it the confusion was painful. My new transition to my new family and my new love interest. My new home. It was all a bit much. I remember her getting cold as winter progressed. Near Martin Luther King Day, a guest Revival preacher yelled and hollered. The walls reverberated his outlandish message of anti-television and anti-women’s suffrage. I remember over hearing kids gossiping about Jennifer making out with some guy from out of town. Her sitting with him not far away. The preacher yelling, spitting. Her hand grasping his. Speaks pain and jealousy. Ignorance and darkness. I remember when I first met her and when she reached over and held my hand how the world shuddered like passenger car and how my body glowed with an internal bliss. Then the pastor got up. The revival was a long one. The church-school was to be closed on Monday, for everyone to rest. He got up and lauded the previous speaker. He apologized. There had been and error made. No, it had nothing to do with the ignorance of the previous speaker. The next day was Martin Luther King Jr Day. And boy was he pissed. I didn’t know it, but I guess that the church-school didn’t observe MLK day. They didn’t realize that the end of the revival and the day off that ensued, matched with the federal holiday for the great civil rights activist. I decided to never set foot in that church ever again.

Then my divorced the woman after having been married only a few months. So, I didn’t.
It was rough on him. He loved her but the stress and the blending of the family.. he just couldn’t take it. I had quit my good job to move up to where the step mom was when my dad married her the first time, but my dad had cut off the deal for our old house to be sold in Jacksonville. The binder was returned and I returned home.

I tried to find work, and worked as a waiter in a restaurant with no business, so I made $2.15 an hour in a nice restaurant with no customers.

My father got back together with my old step mom. He moved back up there, while I stayed at the old house and made sure it was accessible to people and clean to be sold. I had decided that I could not live in a small town. When my house sold, I would move in with my grandmother who lived alone in a bad neighborhood. It was somewhere around this time is when my father was laid off from his job that he’d been with for 20 years or more. They shipped his job over to Mexico.

The house stayed on the market, unsold. I stayed there jobless. I started college, every dime paid for in my own money. I enjoyed it. It gets lonely in an empty house no matter how small it is. College also challenged me and encouraged questioning preconceived notions, the same concept that I had fostered under my own care in my private religious high school (not the same church school north of Jacksonville). Then it hit me.

I drove from Jacksonville, Florida to Flintville, Tennessee on a weekend in October. I got some money from my birthday and decided that a visit to an old friend would be worth not addressing my shrinking bank account a little longer. I drove up there. I had a wonderful time. I left and I cried until I ran out of tears. My life had become joyless, I was numb. I was lonely and I wasn’t feeling it. When I visited my old friend I remembered what joy was. I hadn’t felt joy in so long. Driving 6 hours one-way gives you time to reflect. And It knocked me on my ass- HARD.

I had been eating through the old things in the cupboards and everyone once and a while, my dad would brings some food. I learned to shop at the cheapest grocery store I could find and that generic brands are fine. I was shaken emotionally. I would cry all the time. I would write a lot. I have always been skinny was afraid that I was getting full, but not getting enough calories, at the same time skipping meals because of little food or depression. I would sleep a lot. I remember eating ramen and spam a lot of times. My friends were nice enough to give me food sometimes. The hosue that I get up in, that my mother grew up in and that my grandfather had built was going to be sold. I was depressed and hungry. Pest control ceased and I had to deal with rats and fleas and stuff. Too proud to ask for help. To call it a dark time in my life.

No all was bad. I was living off of ramen and spam, yet an elite club asked me to join their membership (at $100 a month!!!). I put on my thrift store suit and went to this hi-rise. The host paid for lunch, but I was afraid I might have to pay. Here I was in this rich cigar smoking elitist’s club while I was living in disgusting conditions. LOL I can only guess, but I suppose that the invitation came from my political activism. For my hard work for the organization, a local political party sponsored such things as attending a political convention in Florida and airfare to weeklong seminar that I was chosen to attend by the Institute for Humane Studies. Room and board was provided. It was wonderful. It was still a bit lonely though. I studied with about 50 young people from around the world and still felt alone.

I am truly blessed.

My house finally sold and when I came back from the seminar I moved in with my Grandmother. I got a job where I worked hard and I worked my way back to college.

----Back

Back to my first day back at school. I left the beautiful girl in the library and went to class. The next day I sat down in the back of my math class, and who do you think comes in and sits next to me? Yup, it’s the girl from the library.

I took a while to talk to her, but I did. I saw that she was reading a very nice leather edition of the Koran, so I talked to her about that. We kept on speaking. She went to the Henry Rollins performance that I had. Basically we have similar interests. She was excited that I knew who Mudhoney was. I got her number (which I am proud of). I was going ask and see if she wanted to go see a concert, but she wasn’t home and apparently her sister never gave her the note. She moved out of her house and moved in with her best friend. I never go the number to that place. After school, I asked if she was hungry, so we went to a restaurant. Things went well. On the way to drop her off at her house, we talked and she said that I was a “genius” because I had a “Paul’s Boutique” by the Beastie Boys. I asked her how old she was nonchalantly just so I could reply “Oh, I’m that age too! Ha! Ha!” (finding common ground). She said she was 18. I said I was 20. I dropped her off and said how much I enjoyed lunch. I remember calling her another time and talking with her, but feeling like she didn’t want to talk or something.

I haven’t spoken to her since that class. She never called despite, me having given her my number. Maybe she lost it? I decided that if its meant to be I would bump into her at school and everything would be natural.

I worked during the summer, and now I have an even better job in an expensive restaurant and I am taking four courses and a laboratory this call semester. Now it looks like my stepmother is divorcing my dad.

He is staying with me now at grandma’s. I’ve saved up to go to therapy, but I have no time to do, so until I can get a grip on my college algebra class. I made a 69 out of 100 on my first test that I studies hard for. I resolve to get a grip on my math (everything else is fine). My stepmom’s insurance would’ve paid for all of the therapy, I’m not sure what’s up now. I have $415 allotted for therapy.

I also waited on contacting her that I’m not sure that I should be dating now. I should learn to love myself, before I love others or else I’m afraid I’ll be clingy in a relationship or I’ll be afraid of losing her. I don’t want to act desperate.

Then again, you find someone who you think is a gem. Shall you let opportunity pass you by? “Luck is like the tour de france.”

I remember I used to see her and it would sends tingles down my spine when I see her. Like jolt of electricity.

Infatuation? Perhaps. I’m susceptible to that, but I think of her often and see no harm in trying. If she doesn’t like me, then I won’t be losing anything. But there is a lot to gain.

My friend has seen her around school, but I have yet to bump into her. Perhaps now is a good time? You see…

--- The Future (a stroke of luck)

Today I was in an antiques/ junk store that was going out of business. I bought some Cds for 7 bucks. Some were badly scratched up. One was “Pinkerton” by Weezer. I’d never heard the CD, but heard how influential it was. I had seen some marker writing on the cover in the store. A few minutes ago, I looked at it and it looks like it says: Pat, Brian, Rivers, and one more word. I think I could be Matt. It looks like I picked up an autographed copy of “Pinkerton” that is signed by all the band members for a dollar and some change. The CD is scratched to hell, but it plays perfectly. I was very surprised.

I’m not an EMO fan, and I’m not sure how much the girl that I like is either, but she does know a lot about music. I could call her and ask her if she would mind taking a look at it for me. None of my friends know much about emo, but I’m sure that I could get a friend of a friend to look at it; Then again, that wouldn’t give me an excuse to contact her again and meet up with her and see what’s up.

Any relationship advice for me and this girl?

What do you think I should do about therapy in my situation? Is it a good idea to wait until school is under control?

Other questions and comments are much appreciated.

Thank you again for reading this, and I thank you in advance for your reply.

10-08-2003, 10:31 PM	#1 (permalink)
Randerolf Fireball Location: ~	I need Your Advice: An Interesting Story of Love, Racism, Poverty, and Weezer Hello, It is 12:07 Am in Jacksonville, Florida and a familiar stranger is asking you for your help, but before I get started, I’d like to thank you for reading my post. I know sometimes it’s not easy to sit down and read text from someone a million miles away, but I thank you for reading this one. My Humanities midterm is in thirteen hours and I should sleep, but I feel that this is more important than grades or sleep. (I’m confidant in my Humanities class anyways ). ----Into As many stories do, let me start this one with a girl. This post is more than just a girl. It’s about me as a person, but we must begin somewhere. I like this girl that goes to my community college. She is cute, creative, loves music, and is intelligent. I feel that we could get along great. Last the spring semester I got back into college after running out of money and working my way back into school. My first day back before class, I sat in the library reading. A beautiful girl sat down near me; I said to myself that it was too bad that we would never know one another. A pretty girl who likes to read. It was time to go to class, so I left with a tinge of sadness. ----The Past You see, I’m kind of a quiet guy. A bit shy. I’ve never had a girlfriend and my dating experience is zero. In my senior year of high school, my father married my stepmother who lived about 45 minutes north of Jacksonville and I met a girl up there who I thought things were going quite nicely. I was never sure what to do though because we met at a conservative church that was new to me and my father and I didn’t know how to act in their church. Add the fact that I’m a bit socially inept, and that my attempts to “go have coffee” were turned down, led to bit of confusion to this newbie to the world of dating. Finding a girl who shows a romantic interest in me is rare. Women just don’t see me like that. Thus, with my lack of self esteem, I sought to improve myself and learn all I could about dating. Try to be the best I could. Treat her right. Yet, it the confusion was painful. My new transition to my new family and my new love interest. My new home. It was all a bit much. I remember her getting cold as winter progressed. Near Martin Luther King Day, a guest Revival preacher yelled and hollered. The walls reverberated his outlandish message of anti-television and anti-women’s suffrage. I remember over hearing kids gossiping about Jennifer making out with some guy from out of town. Her sitting with him not far away. The preacher yelling, spitting. Her hand grasping his. Speaks pain and jealousy. Ignorance and darkness. I remember when I first met her and when she reached over and held my hand how the world shuddered like passenger car and how my body glowed with an internal bliss. Then the pastor got up. The revival was a long one. The church-school was to be closed on Monday, for everyone to rest. He got up and lauded the previous speaker. He apologized. There had been and error made. No, it had nothing to do with the ignorance of the previous speaker. The next day was Martin Luther King Jr Day. And boy was he pissed. I didn’t know it, but I guess that the church-school didn’t observe MLK day. They didn’t realize that the end of the revival and the day off that ensued, matched with the federal holiday for the great civil rights activist. I decided to never set foot in that church ever again. Then my divorced the woman after having been married only a few months. So, I didn’t. It was rough on him. He loved her but the stress and the blending of the family.. he just couldn’t take it. I had quit my good job to move up to where the step mom was when my dad married her the first time, but my dad had cut off the deal for our old house to be sold in Jacksonville. The binder was returned and I returned home. I tried to find work, and worked as a waiter in a restaurant with no business, so I made $2.15 an hour in a nice restaurant with no customers. My father got back together with my old step mom. He moved back up there, while I stayed at the old house and made sure it was accessible to people and clean to be sold. I had decided that I could not live in a small town. When my house sold, I would move in with my grandmother who lived alone in a bad neighborhood. It was somewhere around this time is when my father was laid off from his job that he’d been with for 20 years or more. They shipped his job over to Mexico. The house stayed on the market, unsold. I stayed there jobless. I started college, every dime paid for in my own money. I enjoyed it. It gets lonely in an empty house no matter how small it is. College also challenged me and encouraged questioning preconceived notions, the same concept that I had fostered under my own care in my private religious high school (not the same church school north of Jacksonville). Then it hit me. I drove from Jacksonville, Florida to Flintville, Tennessee on a weekend in October. I got some money from my birthday and decided that a visit to an old friend would be worth not addressing my shrinking bank account a little longer. I drove up there. I had a wonderful time. I left and I cried until I ran out of tears. My life had become joyless, I was numb. I was lonely and I wasn’t feeling it. When I visited my old friend I remembered what joy was. I hadn’t felt joy in so long. Driving 6 hours one-way gives you time to reflect. And It knocked me on my ass- HARD. I had been eating through the old things in the cupboards and everyone once and a while, my dad would brings some food. I learned to shop at the cheapest grocery store I could find and that generic brands are fine. I was shaken emotionally. I would cry all the time. I would write a lot. I have always been skinny was afraid that I was getting full, but not getting enough calories, at the same time skipping meals because of little food or depression. I would sleep a lot. I remember eating ramen and spam a lot of times. My friends were nice enough to give me food sometimes. The hosue that I get up in, that my mother grew up in and that my grandfather had built was going to be sold. I was depressed and hungry. Pest control ceased and I had to deal with rats and fleas and stuff. Too proud to ask for help. To call it a dark time in my life. No all was bad. I was living off of ramen and spam, yet an elite club asked me to join their membership (at $100 a month!!!). I put on my thrift store suit and went to this hi-rise. The host paid for lunch, but I was afraid I might have to pay. Here I was in this rich cigar smoking elitist’s club while I was living in disgusting conditions. LOL I can only guess, but I suppose that the invitation came from my political activism. For my hard work for the organization, a local political party sponsored such things as attending a political convention in Florida and airfare to weeklong seminar that I was chosen to attend by the Institute for Humane Studies. Room and board was provided. It was wonderful. It was still a bit lonely though. I studied with about 50 young people from around the world and still felt alone. I am truly blessed. My house finally sold and when I came back from the seminar I moved in with my Grandmother. I got a job where I worked hard and I worked my way back to college. ----Back Back to my first day back at school. I left the beautiful girl in the library and went to class. The next day I sat down in the back of my math class, and who do you think comes in and sits next to me? Yup, it’s the girl from the library. I took a while to talk to her, but I did. I saw that she was reading a very nice leather edition of the Koran, so I talked to her about that. We kept on speaking. She went to the Henry Rollins performance that I had. Basically we have similar interests. She was excited that I knew who Mudhoney was. I got her number (which I am proud of). I was going ask and see if she wanted to go see a concert, but she wasn’t home and apparently her sister never gave her the note. She moved out of her house and moved in with her best friend. I never go the number to that place. After school, I asked if she was hungry, so we went to a restaurant. Things went well. On the way to drop her off at her house, we talked and she said that I was a “genius” because I had a “Paul’s Boutique” by the Beastie Boys. I asked her how old she was nonchalantly just so I could reply “Oh, I’m that age too! Ha! Ha!” (finding common ground). She said she was 18. I said I was 20. I dropped her off and said how much I enjoyed lunch. I remember calling her another time and talking with her, but feeling like she didn’t want to talk or something. I haven’t spoken to her since that class. She never called despite, me having given her my number. Maybe she lost it? I decided that if its meant to be I would bump into her at school and everything would be natural. I worked during the summer, and now I have an even better job in an expensive restaurant and I am taking four courses and a laboratory this call semester. Now it looks like my stepmother is divorcing my dad. He is staying with me now at grandma’s. I’ve saved up to go to therapy, but I have no time to do, so until I can get a grip on my college algebra class. I made a 69 out of 100 on my first test that I studies hard for. I resolve to get a grip on my math (everything else is fine). My stepmom’s insurance would’ve paid for all of the therapy, I’m not sure what’s up now. I have $415 allotted for therapy. I also waited on contacting her that I’m not sure that I should be dating now. I should learn to love myself, before I love others or else I’m afraid I’ll be clingy in a relationship or I’ll be afraid of losing her. I don’t want to act desperate. Then again, you find someone who you think is a gem. Shall you let opportunity pass you by? “Luck is like the tour de france.” I remember I used to see her and it would sends tingles down my spine when I see her. Like jolt of electricity. Infatuation? Perhaps. I’m susceptible to that, but I think of her often and see no harm in trying. If she doesn’t like me, then I won’t be losing anything. But there is a lot to gain. My friend has seen her around school, but I have yet to bump into her. Perhaps now is a good time? You see… --- The Future (a stroke of luck) Today I was in an antiques/ junk store that was going out of business. I bought some Cds for 7 bucks. Some were badly scratched up. One was “Pinkerton” by Weezer. I’d never heard the CD, but heard how influential it was. I had seen some marker writing on the cover in the store. A few minutes ago, I looked at it and it looks like it says: Pat, Brian, Rivers, and one more word. I think I could be Matt. It looks like I picked up an autographed copy of “Pinkerton” that is signed by all the band members for a dollar and some change. The CD is scratched to hell, but it plays perfectly. I was very surprised. I’m not an EMO fan, and I’m not sure how much the girl that I like is either, but she does know a lot about music. I could call her and ask her if she would mind taking a look at it for me. None of my friends know much about emo, but I’m sure that I could get a friend of a friend to look at it; Then again, that wouldn’t give me an excuse to contact her again and meet up with her and see what’s up. Any relationship advice for me and this girl? What do you think I should do about therapy in my situation? Is it a good idea to wait until school is under control? Other questions and comments are much appreciated. Thank you again for reading this, and I thank you in advance for your reply.