Rainwulf

imagine a tree. Good, tall, strong oak tree.

Start by cutting some of its roots of, weakening it.

Move this tree around, uproot it, move it, plant it somewhere else.

Treat this tree like shit, dont water it, dont fertilize it, ignore it.

Let it get diseases, let its leaves go mouldy and brown.

take whats left.

paint this tree. Paint the leaves green, the bark brown. Use wire and sticks to hold the branches up, stick it back in the ground. Make it look like its never had any of those horrible things done to it.


thats me now.

Im in love with a girl. She is in love with me.
Somehow, she sees the first tree. Its healthy, growing, strong.

I cant see the original tree. She says something to me thats intended for the original tree. Something harmless, something a normal tree would understand.

The fucked up tree responds. Responds hatefully, hurtfully, responds in terrible ways, horrible retribution.

She gets hurt. So bad. She tells me she is hurt.

Deep inside i can feel the original tree feel it. And it aches. Its still there, though i cant feel it most of the time.

I feel it when im near this girl. I yearn for her. She is my soulmate.


The fucked up tree responds in typical ways. It doesnt want to get uprooted again, it doesnt want to get treated like shit again, even though her intentions have always been good and honest, this tree just sees her as another person who is going to cut its roots, or move it, or treat it like shit.


Im hurting her. Im disrespecting this lovely sweet girl. Im so in love with her, and that inner tree screams in pain whenever i hurt her, whenever i do or say something that makes her cry.


My problem is that i feel the world with my outer self. I respond in ways to defend myself, with no concern or responsibility for my actions. I hurt with abandon, trying to make myself feel better again cos i have sensed someone attacking me.


Yet, hours and days later, my inner self feels the pain. She gets upset at me, and i feel it sear my insides. I know im responsible. I know that its my fault.

This girl sees my inner tree, my inner self. She sees that and loves me. And im pushing her away. And whats worse is that i i dont know im doing it till its too late.



This just isnt something i will get over. I have to fix this. I want to fix it right now. So many times in my past i have lost friends and lovers to this. Now my soulmate has come along, its time for me to stop this.

How?

i see the world through my hurt self. I sense things with my hurt self. I blindly just fuck things up, and only later do i realise it, and then the damage has been done.

How do i fix this? can anyone help?
I cant ask her to help me. She is in love with me. I cant saddle her, or ask for her help. I have to do this myself otherwise i will never feel like i am myself.

So what do i do?

Im not going to leave her or let her go. I cant sit here and just say "well im going to be alone till i can figure this out"

Giving up never helped me.
Running away never helped me.
Hating myself has never helped.
Loathing myself never helped.

Im not going to run away. Im not going to sit here and say "i am such a bad person, i deserve to be alone."
im fucking SICK of that.

I dont need drugs, im not going to do anything negative to myself. No more negative energy. Drugs are negative. Feeling bad is negative. Blaming myself is negative.

Ya know i think i have got it.

Negativity. All that ying and yang stuff i think is true.

Gotta have balance, and i have so much negativity inside myself that i need something positive to balance it out. It cant come from anyone else apart from myself.


Well. then now that i have realised that, i feel a lot bloody better you know.

I think a bit of celestine prophecies has stuck with me.

I need positive, and it has to come from me. Simple as that.

Now. im happy.


Maybe the key to this is believing in myself. Believing that after all those horrible things, im still me.

I always believed that those things changed me. Maybe, i am not changed at all. I just am too scared to see it.

mmm. something for me to think about.