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This issue was a major pain in the ass for ratbastid and me the first 3-4 years of our marriage.
I am a bit of a neat freak, so part of the solution was for me just to chill out a little.
However, what made me so upset about the request for a list was that it still made things ultimately my responsibility. I still had to think about it, and direct him, instead of just counting on him as a partner to just get things done. I thought ratbastid should just look at the house and see what needs doing - if it's messy, clean it up. Period. The fact is, until recently, he just didn't notice. If there weren't dirty dishes on the counter the kitchen was considered "clean" even if the counter had crumbs and stuff on it and there was soup baked to the top of the stove, and the dirty dishes were in the sink and not in the dishwasher. So we reached a compromise. He has tried harder to notice things, I've agreed to make lists and be the chief executive officer at home, and he just does what I ask him. And really, as we did this more often he just got into the habit of noticing and after a while I didn't need to make the list any more, he just saw what needed doing. It just took learning what was expected and getting some practice at noticing things.
Also, one place to start is to think "how would she want this to look?" when you see a room.
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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."
- Anatole France
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