Double D, I feel your pain. I like the description you gave, lacquered and tanned. Don't forget plastic! Last couple of years, it's been let's upgrade our boobies.
I like torturing them too. Listening to loud heavy metal music and taking my shirt off when I cut the lawn. There's nothing like the shocked look of a pretentious, anal retentive suburbanite when I'm getting some sun on my big, fat, and very white belly.
I get the look that says, "Hey fatboy, put your shirt back on, you're driving down our property values!"
Hey, Chicago is near an ocean, sort of. Lake Michigan is like the ocean, in a big lake sort of way.