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There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's
"How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?"
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little._____
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
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