angela146

Halx, this is an insightful post, you've asked a really good question...

OK, yes, that was a deliberate compliment induced by the topic itself. However, it was also sincere...
You aren't alone. Most people aren't. Otherwise there wouldn't so many awkward moments in life.

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I mean, I can tell when someone is kissing my ass and when they really mean it.

If you don't know the motivation of most compliments, can you be sure of the sincerity or lack of it? For example: I suspect you may have interpreted some of my compliments as sucking up (maybe not). My reasons for complimenting you are varied but I assure you that if I wanted to kiss ass, I wouldn't pretend to be giving you a compliment. I would kiss ass. But you knew that didn't you...

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... I get this one a lot, "You have the best job ever." What am I supposed to do with this information?

It may be an expression of envy. You could either acknowledge the truth of the statement (if it is true) e.g. "yeah, it is kinda fun, much better than serving the corporate monsters" or you could let them know that isn't so great "eeeh, not really. I get yelled at a lot and it seems like I am working every moment of my life... besides, the pay sucks..."

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...I just have no clue what compliments are used for.

see below...

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What is a compliment to you?

Usually an expression of support to let someone know that their life makes a difference. Even if we already know that, we need to be reminded of it sometimes.

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What makes you feel the need to give one?

Usually because I see that someone needs cheering up... or... because they have done something that I really admire and that feeling needs to explode out of me. Sometimes it's just because I like seeing people be happy and knowing that I am the cause of it. I get off on making people happy.

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How do you feel when you get one?

Undeserving, ashamed, embarrassed and unworthy for the first 300 ms. Then, my self-conditioned reflex kicks in. I need to accept the compliment and get past my feelings of unworthiness. To do otherwise would be to call the other person a liar. Bottom line: I don't see myself as others do and they have a better view of me.

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What's the best compliment you've ever received? How about the best you've ever given?

Um... I've given and received a lot of complements over the years. The ones that come to my mind as the best are too personal for even me to share. But, that's the whole point. The best complements are the ones that come from those who really know you and touch something very deep inside you.

Actually, some of the compliments I have received here at TFP are very high on my list. Here's an example:Now here's a guy who knows how to give a compliment! What made it so good was the fact that it came directly from his heart, it was for something incredibly personal and it affirmed that the particular entry wasn't just an exercise in self-serving ruminating. The eloquence of it was in the sincerity, not the prose (although that warn't too bad neither).

So, why did I pay you that compliment at the top?

• Partly as an illustration of my point,
• partly because I knew I was going to enjoy answering the question and wanted to thank you for it,
• partly to validate that it wasn't a dumb question,
• partly because I could feel the frustration in your words and wanted to make you feel better,
• and partly to give you some practice at taking a light-hearted but sincere compliment

The reasons for compliments, as with other emotional expressions, are rarely singular or clear. They are usually both self-serving and altruistic. Even the most sincere complement is self-serving in that it allows the giver to share something with the receiver. It creates a bonding in an otherwise lonely world.