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The South Park rainforest episode by far. This is my favorite scene in any TV show ever:
[in the rainforest]
Tour guide: Now, secondary rainforest we are entering. Notice the canopy of foliage.
Choir teacher: Oh! It's everything I've ever dreamed it would be!
Kyle: God damn, it's hot out here!
[Stan sees a stick]
[they stop walking]
Stan: Ah! Snake!
Kyle: No, dude, that's a branch.
Stan: Oh... Ah! Snake!
Kyle: No, that's the same branch again.
Stan: Oh
Tour guide: The rainforest is very delicate and we must take steps to protect it
Cartman [mockingly]: Yeah yeah yeah, take steps, we're taking them, blah blah blah [silence] We heard
this a million times back up in the states.
Tour guide: Here look! These are squirrel monkeys, endangered inhabitants of the rainforest.
Kelly: Wow! Isn't he neat, Lenny?
[she takes a picture of the monkey]
[Cartman walks up and hit the monkey with a stick]
Cartman: Bad! Bad monkey!
Choir teacher: Eric! What the hell are you doing?
Cartman: I'm asserting myself. It's tough love. Just like my little Kitty. When he's bad, I'll say "that's a bad
little Kitty" and I smack him on the head.
Tour guide: And here is a three-toed sloth
[Cartman hits the sloth with a stick]
Cartman: That's a bad... That's a bad three-toed sloth!
Choir teacher: Eric! For God's sake, knock it off!
[Cartman throws the stick at the sloth]
Cartman: Respect my autoritay!
Choir teacher: Well Mr. Pedro, this was a great tour, but I guess we should be heading back, we have a
big concert tomorrow, don't we kids?
Some kids: Yeah!
Kid: I wish we could have seen the Yanagapa.
Kyle: What's the Yanagapa?
Choir teacher: The Yanagapa are gentle native people that live in the rainforest, but bulldozers are
destroying their homes. Soon they will have nowhere to go, so we must stop bulldozing the rainforest so
that they can live...
[Cartman covers his eyes]
Cartman: God, here she goes again!
[Stan sees a snake]
[Stan screams]
Choir teacher: Stanley, what is it?
Stan: Snake!
[Kids gasp]
Tour guide: Ah, yes, this is what we call a coral snake. Notice the red markings. Quite an amazing creature.
[Stan screams and runs away]
Tour guide: What's the matter little boy?
Cartman: He's a little wuss, what's it look like.
Stan [hiding in the bushes]: I'm just scared of snakes.
Tour guide: Now, now. You must remember, this snake is more afraid of you than you are of it.
[the snake jumps on him]
Tour guide: Ah!
[he falls to the ground]
Choir teacher: Oh my God!
[the snake begins to eat the tour guide]
Cartman: Oh yeah. That snake is really scared of us, alright.
[the snake continues to eat the tour guide]
Choir teacher: Jesus Christ, is he dead?
[the snake finishes eating the tour guide]
Stan: Dude!
Kyle: My guess would be yes.
Choir teacher: Oh no! God, no! Now, don't panic children!
[Cartman his the snake with a stick]
Cartman: Bad! That's a bad snake! Ahhh...
[the snake chases after him and he runs from it]
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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink but then held it out over the beer and yelled "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!"
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