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I think you know the answer, it's just one you don't want to face at the moment. Here's the facts as you stated them:
Your bf frequently talks to his ex gf.
He fooled around with her while you were dating.
When he found out that you knew that he'd been unfaithful, he didn't seem to care about your feelings.
This is tearing you apart, but you don't want to start a fight by bringing it up?!
If something that your bf is doing is tearing you apart, what about your relationship makes you afraid that you'll start a fight if you tell him?
There's something not quite right here. You should be able to openly share your fears/concerns with him. You should not have to walk on eggshells fearing you'll start a fight.
You asked how to tell him it is tearing you apart. I would start with explaining your feelings of discomfort about his talking to the ex.
Does he still not seem to care? Or can he honestly reassure you that yes, he cares and no he has nothing going on with her?
The way he reacts to you explaining your feelings (vs. accusing ) will tell you a lot about the value he places on your relationship.
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