Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post

angela146 · 08-03-2003, 03:07 PM

Hi Hal,

A lot of this is a matter of name-calling. Some people want to put people into categories so that they know whether or not to be prejudiced against them (i.e. are you one of "those people").

Those of us who are accepting of people regardless of sexual orientation don't care so much about applying labels.

Second, even if you set the name-calling aside, Gay, Bi and Straight aren't "buckets". They are points along a continuum. Trying to draw a line between Gay and Bi is like trying to draw a line between blonde and brown hair. At exactly what point is hair blonde enough to be blonde?

Third, there is a "having sex" dimension and a "making a life with" dimension. You might enjoy having sex with a man but not want to marry him and spend your life with him. On the other hand, you might not like sex with men but be perfectly comfortable living with a male roommate for a long period of time.

On this level, if you add the "making a life with" dimension to the "having sex with" dimension, it makes it easier to decide if you want to call yourself gay. I would call myself gay (lesbian) if I were making a life with a woman *and* having sex with her on a regular basis, even if I sometimes enjoyed sex with men sometimes.

Finally, there is one really valuable reason to give yourself a label: it is a way of telling someone what level of interest you have in having sex with them.

This is along the lines you describe: "a label one gives oneself as being sexually open and able to swing either way in bed".

In your case, if you described yourself as "bi-curious" that would go a long way toward letting someone know something useful. If you made overtures to (or accepted overtures from) a bi or gay man having told him you were "bi-curious" he would (hopefully) know enough to take it really slow and let you get used to it one step at a time.

BTW: there are a lot of people out there who are hetero only because their bi interests were beaten or ridiculed out of them when they were young and vulnerable (ages 3-10). A man I know very well falls into that category. He can have fun with a man *only* if there is an incredible degree of trust *and* if his (female) SO is there to be part of it. Without that, he isn't able to admit to himself that he has those desires.

08-03-2003, 03:07 PM	#13 (permalink)
angela146 Loser Location: Somewhere near Hubby	Hi Hal, A lot of this is a matter of name-calling. Some people want to put people into categories so that they know whether or not to be prejudiced against them (i.e. are you one of "those people"). Those of us who are accepting of people regardless of sexual orientation don't care so much about applying labels. Second, even if you set the name-calling aside, Gay, Bi and Straight aren't "buckets". They are points along a continuum. Trying to draw a line between Gay and Bi is like trying to draw a line between blonde and brown hair. At exactly what point is hair blonde enough to be blonde? Third, there is a "having sex" dimension and a "making a life with" dimension. You might enjoy having sex with a man but not want to marry him and spend your life with him. On the other hand, you might not like sex with men but be perfectly comfortable living with a male roommate for a long period of time. On this level, if you add the "making a life with" dimension to the "having sex with" dimension, it makes it easier to decide if you want to call yourself gay. I would call myself gay (lesbian) if I were making a life with a woman and having sex with her on a regular basis, even if I sometimes enjoyed sex with men sometimes. Finally, there is one really valuable reason to give yourself a label: it is a way of telling someone what level of interest you have in having sex with them. This is along the lines you describe: "a label one gives oneself as being sexually open and able to swing either way in bed". In your case, if you described yourself as "bi-curious" that would go a long way toward letting someone know something useful. If you made overtures to (or accepted overtures from) a bi or gay man having told him you were "bi-curious" he would (hopefully) know enough to take it really slow and let you get used to it one step at a time. BTW: there are a lot of people out there who are hetero only because their bi interests were beaten or ridiculed out of them when they were young and vulnerable (ages 3-10). A man I know very well falls into that category. He can have fun with a man only if there is an incredible degree of trust and if his (female) SO is there to be part of it. Without that, he isn't able to admit to himself that he has those desires.