you know i tried again. i honestly did.
I thought, screw whatever destiny is trying to control me.
screw whatever force is preventing me from behing happy.
screw it all and just be yourself. And i did. and i now know this absolutely wonderful girl. everything i could ever want. Perfect for me, even down to the way we like to lay in bed. the way we talk. the way we live, the way we think. perfect in every way. she is my definitive TYPE. i could have fallen for her so easily. so deeply. i wear my heart on my sleeve normally, but with her its like a vacuum between us, and it hurts and the only way to make it hurt less is to be together.
but..... i cant have her. the reason isnt worth mentioning. its just that i cant have her. i dont think i will ever be able to have her. its a difficult situation.
Some force doesnt want me to be with a girl. Some force out there with enormous power wants me to be single for the rest of my life. has wanted me single since i ever had the capacity to find a girl to be with.
Since my ex, the tart, i had made a vow that i would never get hurt again, never feel pain, never ever let someone into my life.
I hated women totally. And this girl made me forget that hate, and made me want to be with a woman again. But... this force is still there.
no matter what i do. how positive i think, life throws me situations that positive thinking, and a positive outlook cant ever cure.
I didnt even need to make that vow. I never had to make it, its going to be like that anyway.
I could renounce that vow, and it will mean nothing.
No matter what i do. dont do. say. dont say. think. dont think.
nothing.
i get shown happiness. i get shown endless possibilities.
i get so close. but its like a brick wall. its so powerful this force. be it distance, time, situation, everything that has blocked me has been pretty well insurmountable.
you can only have positive thinking for so long.
you can lead yourself to water. you can drink.
but in the end, the water itself is poisoned. you have to drink it, you may surivive for a few days, but it always ends up in pain.
pain now. pain later. pain always.
this girl... is THE most perfect girl. ever. down to our beleifs. down to our very core.
whatever this force is. im too tired now to fight it.
im too tired. im too sad. i have fought for so long. tried so many times. tried. failed. every time.
im too tired.
i want to go to sleep and never wake up.
maybe thats what it wants.
to this special girl, if you ever do read this.
maybe one day we can be together. i hope so. with all my heart and soul and mind i will do anything for you.
and even if we never do get together, i will always be your friend.