I want it SAD, dammit. Weeping and gnashing of teeth. At the entrance everyone gets handed a razor blade for self-mutilation. The flowers should stink horribly. The lighting should be just a little too bright. Whatever the music it should be just a little too loud and a little off-key. A drunk organist maybe. Large posters of me with banners saying things like "You should have told me that you loved me when you had the chance" and "I've hidden the gold, you'll never find it" and "Now look what you've done".
