If the nature of your emergency is emotional...press one.
If the nature of your emergency is physical...press two.
If the nature of your emergency is psychological...press three
If the nature of your emergency is environmental...press four
If the nature of your emergency is existential...press nine.
If you are being attacked by giant spiders...press five; if the spiders are existential, press seven
For all other emergencies, hang up and dial (212) 679-4111.
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