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ROC · 06-22-2003, 04:10 AM

The first one i translated into english and since it's been a while since i studied english i hope that i did a good enough job for it to be enjoyable.
The rest may come from here, i'm not sure and they may be old to some but hopefully not all of you.

The Bear & The Rabbit.

A bear and a rabbit who lives in the forest runs one day into a
golden frog which they think is an impressive discovery and they
are even more impressed then the frog speeks to them.

The frog says that he rarely meets anyone but when he does he always
grants them six wishes, in this case it means three wishes each.
The bear wishes for all the bears in the forest to be females and the
frog instantly grants his wish. The rabbit thinks for a while and then
he's wishing for a helmet and when it appears he immediatly puts it on.

The bear suprised over this makes as he's second wish for all bears
in the nearby forests to be female. The rabbit then wishes to get a
motorcycle and when it appears he jumps on it and starts rushing the
engine.

The bear can't believe his eyes and points out to the rabbit that he's
waisted two wishes that he could've used for something more personal.
The bear shakes his head and makes his last wish that all the bears in
the whole world should be females!
The frog answers that "all the bears in the whole world are now females"
and they turn to the rabbit curiously to hear his last wish.

The rabbit rushes his motorcycle, thinks for a second and says:
"I wish for the bear to be gay" and then he drives off as fast as he
can on his motorcycle.

====================

A guy walks on the street and sees a beautiful young woman with the most perfect breast. He stops her and says "Would you let me bite your breast for $100 ?"
The woman insulted replies "I am not one of those women" and takes off.

He runs around the block to see her again and cannot resist asking her "Would you let me bite your breast for $1000 ?" Again she takes off all insulted.

He has to see her again, this time he says" Would you let me bite your breast for $10,000 ?" She thinks about it for a minute and says "follow me in this dark alley." There she opens her blouse and he starts caressing them, grabbing them, kissing them. He then puts his face between them. A bit annoyed she says "Aren't you going to bite my breast?"

And the guy says" Nope, too expensive."

====================

There once was a redneck who had two horses. Now this redneck couldn't tell his two horses apart so he decided to ask his neighbor to help him out. He said to his neighbor, "I have two horses that I can't tell apart, can you help me?"

"Sure," said his neighbor, "Maybe you should nick one of their ears, then you could tell them apart." So, the redneck went home and did that. The next day the redneck went to check up on his horses but saw that he could not tell them apart for the other horse had nicked it's ear also.

So, he went back over to his neighbor's. "My other horse has a nicked ear now too. Do you have any other ideas how to tell them apart? They are both girls."

"Hmmmm." thought his neighbor, "Cut one's tail shorter than the other!" So, the redneck went home and did that. The next day, though, both horses had the same length of tail! So, the redneck, tired of walking to his neighbor's house decided to call instead.
"I see," said the neighbor after the redneck told him about how both of the tails were the same, "Try measuring them, maybe one is taller than the other."

So the redneck did that then rushed back into his house, phoned his neighbor and said to him "You were right!! The black horse is bigger than the white one."

====================

An impotent farmer was having trouble in bed for close to a year now and he just didn't know what to do. He ate Viagra like M&M's but it never seemed to help. Well anyways the farmer had a couple cows that he wanted to breed, and he went down to his neighbor farmer to ask to borrow a bull for a day. The neighbor farmer said yes, and the impotant farmer loaded the bull into the box of his pickup. When he got back home he put the bull in with the lady cows. The lady cows were sure interested in the bull, but the bull would not go near them for some odd reason. The impotent farmer went back to his neighbors and asked why the bull wouldn't screw his cows. The other farmer said "Oh sorry bout dat he gets like that sometimes, what you otta do is stick your finger there in one uh yah lady cows pussy's and rub it on his nose."

The impotent farmer went home and tried it on the bull, and sure enough the bull got all three cows and went back for more about five minutes later. The impotent farmer was totally shocked. He went home that night after a hard days work in the field, and climbed into bed. His wife was asleep next to him and he got an idea. He figured if it worked on the cow it might work on him. So he pulled down his sleeping wife's panties and stuck his finger down there and rubbed it on his nose. Sure enough he was hard in an instant. The farmer was so happy about this he just had to show his wife.

"Honey wake up honey, turn on the light and take a look at this."

His wife wakes up turns on the light and says "You woke me up just to show me you had a bloody nose."

====================

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep.

====================

A mangy redneck youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing the night's dinner. "Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?" asks the slack-jawed youth.

"Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?"

"No thanks, just the cider."

"Well, sure," responds the youth's mother and gives her boy the cider and watches him trot off contentedly.

About 15 minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again asks him mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happily.

Ten minutes later the boy returns and once again asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer. She wanders into the family room and sees her son sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass.

"Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" asks the boy's mother.

"Well, mom, I heard sis on the phone say that whenever she had a prick in her hand, she couldn't wait to get it in cider."

06-22-2003, 04:10 AM	#1 (permalink)
ROC Upright	A few jokes (maybe old ones but still..) The first one i translated into english and since it's been a while since i studied english i hope that i did a good enough job for it to be enjoyable. The rest may come from here, i'm not sure and they may be old to some but hopefully not all of you. The Bear & The Rabbit. A bear and a rabbit who lives in the forest runs one day into a golden frog which they think is an impressive discovery and they are even more impressed then the frog speeks to them. The frog says that he rarely meets anyone but when he does he always grants them six wishes, in this case it means three wishes each. The bear wishes for all the bears in the forest to be females and the frog instantly grants his wish. The rabbit thinks for a while and then he's wishing for a helmet and when it appears he immediatly puts it on. The bear suprised over this makes as he's second wish for all bears in the nearby forests to be female. The rabbit then wishes to get a motorcycle and when it appears he jumps on it and starts rushing the engine. The bear can't believe his eyes and points out to the rabbit that he's waisted two wishes that he could've used for something more personal. The bear shakes his head and makes his last wish that all the bears in the whole world should be females! The frog answers that "all the bears in the whole world are now females" and they turn to the rabbit curiously to hear his last wish. The rabbit rushes his motorcycle, thinks for a second and says: "I wish for the bear to be gay" and then he drives off as fast as he can on his motorcycle. ==================== A guy walks on the street and sees a beautiful young woman with the most perfect breast. He stops her and says "Would you let me bite your breast for $100 ?" The woman insulted replies "I am not one of those women" and takes off. He runs around the block to see her again and cannot resist asking her "Would you let me bite your breast for $1000 ?" Again she takes off all insulted. He has to see her again, this time he says" Would you let me bite your breast for $10,000 ?" She thinks about it for a minute and says "follow me in this dark alley." There she opens her blouse and he starts caressing them, grabbing them, kissing them. He then puts his face between them. A bit annoyed she says "Aren't you going to bite my breast?" And the guy says" Nope, too expensive." ==================== There once was a redneck who had two horses. Now this redneck couldn't tell his two horses apart so he decided to ask his neighbor to help him out. He said to his neighbor, "I have two horses that I can't tell apart, can you help me?" "Sure," said his neighbor, "Maybe you should nick one of their ears, then you could tell them apart." So, the redneck went home and did that. The next day the redneck went to check up on his horses but saw that he could not tell them apart for the other horse had nicked it's ear also. So, he went back over to his neighbor's. "My other horse has a nicked ear now too. Do you have any other ideas how to tell them apart? They are both girls." "Hmmmm." thought his neighbor, "Cut one's tail shorter than the other!" So, the redneck went home and did that. The next day, though, both horses had the same length of tail! So, the redneck, tired of walking to his neighbor's house decided to call instead. "I see," said the neighbor after the redneck told him about how both of the tails were the same, "Try measuring them, maybe one is taller than the other." So the redneck did that then rushed back into his house, phoned his neighbor and said to him "You were right!! The black horse is bigger than the white one." ==================== An impotent farmer was having trouble in bed for close to a year now and he just didn't know what to do. He ate Viagra like M&M's but it never seemed to help. Well anyways the farmer had a couple cows that he wanted to breed, and he went down to his neighbor farmer to ask to borrow a bull for a day. The neighbor farmer said yes, and the impotant farmer loaded the bull into the box of his pickup. When he got back home he put the bull in with the lady cows. The lady cows were sure interested in the bull, but the bull would not go near them for some odd reason. The impotent farmer went back to his neighbors and asked why the bull wouldn't screw his cows. The other farmer said "Oh sorry bout dat he gets like that sometimes, what you otta do is stick your finger there in one uh yah lady cows pussy's and rub it on his nose." The impotent farmer went home and tried it on the bull, and sure enough the bull got all three cows and went back for more about five minutes later. The impotent farmer was totally shocked. He went home that night after a hard days work in the field, and climbed into bed. His wife was asleep next to him and he got an idea. He figured if it worked on the cow it might work on him. So he pulled down his sleeping wife's panties and stuck his finger down there and rubbed it on his nose. Sure enough he was hard in an instant. The farmer was so happy about this he just had to show his wife. "Honey wake up honey, turn on the light and take a look at this." His wife wakes up turns on the light and says "You woke me up just to show me you had a bloody nose." ==================== Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep. ==================== A mangy redneck youth walks into the kitchen where his mom is fixing the night's dinner. "Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?" asks the slack-jawed youth. "Are you sure you don't want me to pull it out?" "No thanks, just the cider." "Well, sure," responds the youth's mother and gives her boy the cider and watches him trot off contentedly. About 15 minutes later the boy returns to the kitchen and again asks him mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happily. Ten minutes later the boy returns and once again asks for a glass of cider. The mother complies with her son's wishes again, but her curiosity has been piqued to the point where she can't resist knowing why any longer. She wanders into the family room and sees her son sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass. "Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?" asks the boy's mother. "Well, mom, I heard sis on the phone say that whenever she had a prick in her hand, she couldn't wait to get it in cider."