platypus

Little Johnny is in the park eating a bag of candy, and he passes an old man sitting on a bench.
The old man says "Sonny, you shouldn't eat so much candy, it's bad for you!"
Johnny looks up and says, "Well my grandfather lived to be a hundred!"
"Did he eat a lot of candy?"
"No, he minded his own fuckin business"

-----

Little Johnny and his grandfather are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees.
The old man takes out a cigarette and lights it.

Johnny asks, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not big enough."

A few more minutes pass, and the old man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it.

Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says.
"No," says the little boy.
"Then you're not old enough."

Time passes and they continue to fish. Little Johnny gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one.

His grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?"
"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says Little Johnny.
"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.
"Then go fuck yourself," says Johnny, "These are my cookies!"

-----

Little Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him having a wank.
He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby."
The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again.
Johnny says, "Bow your head, Dad. Can't you see we're having a funeral?"

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