Quote:
Originally Posted by aceventura3
It starts with our different views on "compromise".
All I can do is give examples, take them for what they are worth I know that you normally miss the bigger points in my examples, but I will try.
My wife wanted a cat, I did not. There can be no compromise. We either get a cat or we don't. We got a cat. I did not compromise. My wife asked me about my concerns. I explained them. She responded to my concerns and we got a cat.
I wanted a motorcycle, my wife did not want me to get one. There can be no compromise. We either get one or we don't. We got the motorcycle. She did not compromise. I asked her about her concerns regarding the motorcycle. she explained them. I responded to her concerns and I got the motorcycle.
Oh, but you say compromise could have been her getting the cat and you getting the motorcycle. Wrong. With that, the underlying concerns never get addressed - and happiness turns to resentment or other problems.
So, I don't understand your view of compromise - you don't understand mine. Basically I do not believe in compromise, I don't think it works, it makes things worse over time. I believe in addressing the real underlying issues.
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To make your example more relevant, I will make some adjustments:
• Your wife wants another cat; you think you already have too many (one). Your wife explains that adding a second cat will help reinforce the first one in terms of the dynamics of daily living. She also explains that although there will be an added cost, they will be somewhat shared due to there already being a system of owning a cat in place. She also explains that adding a second cat will make it easier to leave them alone, allowing you and your wife to go out more often and on more extended journeys. In addition, she explains to you how the second cat will add even more joy to your lives. You, on the other hand, state in no uncertain terms that you will absolutely not agree to a second cat and never will, as you are mildly allergic to them, you don't like cat hair and the smell of litterboxes, and you're more of a dog person.
Possible outcomes:
- Your wife compromises and gets a toy stuffed cat and one of those virtual pet apps through the Apple app store, in addition to some catnip and a new toy to improve the playtime with her existing cat.
- You compromise and suggest that she can get the cat as long as you don't have to care for it; you resent the cat for as long as it lives and your wife resents your coldness towards it.
- No compromise: your wife gets a cat anyway and you argue about it for weeks if not months.
- No compromise: nothing is done.
• You want to make repairs and improvements to your motorcycle. Your wife doesn't think it's a good idea, considering that you're still paying it off through financing. You explain to her that the repairs will make the motorcycle safer and the improvements will better the experience not only for you but for her as well whenever she decides to ride it. She's not convinced. She states that there isn't room in the budget for it and that she has no real need for it anyway because she has a bicycle that works just fine that she can repair and improve by herself. She goes on to say that the motorcycle should probably be sold off anyway, as she was never really a fan of it in the first place.
Possible outcomes:
- You compromise by making do with superficial repairs and minimal performance adjustments, spending within your previously agreed discretionary amount; furthermore, you secretly hope that next month she doesn't bring up the subject of selling the motorcycle again.
- Your wife compromises and suggests that you to pay for the repairs and improvements by getting a second job; you resent having to work more and you both resent spending less time together.
- No compromise: you pay for the repairs and improvements anyway and you argue about it for weeks if not months.
- No compromise: nothing is done.
tl;dr: your examples are oversimplistic binary choices that don't reflect the real-world topics we're discussing. My examples are a bit closer.