Poetry

Yesterday on Facebook, I posted a little status message that read:

"Things I Have Observed #62: When a guy you haven't talked to before or at least haven't talked to in the last year messages you saying, 'Hey, nice pics', he's really saying 'Hey, I wanna stick my dick in you. How about Tuesday?'"

Well, it provoked a very heated debate between several of my friends that lasted all afternoon. So I wrote a note about it. Thought it might be good TFP discussion material, judging that people reacted so strongly to it.

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"Hey, Nice Pics" - An Elaboration

Okay, so to some of you, this will just be another one of my rants that you have read or heard several times over the last few years.

To others, this will sound possibly embittered, an overreaction, or just totally out of character.


This isn't meant to step on toes or insult anyone. This is just a set of observations I have gathered over the last several years, from when I was a teen to now. This is not, as some might think, about looks. It's about socializing, about seduction, about online interactions, and about language.

So that's as much as a disclaimer as you are going to get. If this still pisses you off, which it shouldn't, then I'd wonder how well we really know each other, and how much we have in common with our social expectations and ideas of respect.

When I posted my status yesterday, it received significantly more responses than I expected it to. I wasn't trying to make some crazy, ephiphanic statement, I was simply observing something that has become a simple truth of many women's online interactions.

If you're a guy who does engage in online attempts at flirtation that lead to eventual boneage, you probably haven't been exposed to this, and you likely don't think that it is that much of an issue. It's simple flirting, right? And girls should be appreciative of the attention they get as a compliment-- they aren't obligated to respond, after all.

But when a girl receives several of these messages a day... all year long, it tends to grate.

And, no, it's not a "I know, I know, I'm pretty, stop telling me, I've got it, this is getting annoying", it's a "wow, I'm being objectified. These men think so little of me that they can't even bother to attempt to disguise their intent. They think it's charming, that they will have some success, that I'm stupid enough or desperate enough to positively respond to their lackluster attempts at online flirtation."

When you've got a Facebook profile up with open access and it shows your music, movies, television interests, as well as pictures of you doing... volunteer work, pottery spinning, riding an elephant, sailing, playing softball, whatever, and you get a one line message saying "Hey, nice pics", it's some guy invalidating you.

No, it's not intentional. No, it isn't malicious.

It's a guy who is too lazy or stupid to actually send you something. They look through your pics and go "nice tits/ass/face" and then they send a shitty one-liner hoping you'll respond.

If they were interested in more than sex, in actually getting to know you, they'd mention something else. Something in your dozens of pictures that could actually start a conversation.

But, no, they're focused on your pictures because they don't care about you as a person, and they aren't internetly-savvy enough to realize how much of a faux-pas "hey, nice pics" is.

Most men don't walk up to a girl and say "hey, nice face" or "hey, nice ass" or even "hey, you're pretty". Most. Sure, some will go up and say, "Hey, I'm John, and I just wanted to tell you that you're really pretty" or something cheesy along the lines of "Hey, I'm John, I don't mean to interrupt, but I'd never forgive myself if I didn't stop to tell you have gorgeous you are."

There's a level of socialzation expected. There's a level of politeness, of standards, that you're supposed to engage in. Just because this is text does not mean it's time to drop all social norms and go for the ass.

Moving on from that train of thought, as I could go on for three or four pages about it.

The general structure of the message:

Mosttimes, it's a "hey, nice pics". Nothing else.

This means that they have nothing else to say, that they've taken their time to write those three words, occasionally included the needed comma, and they've hit send. Nothing else matters, you aren't worth the energy of more. If they don't hear back from you, they won't care, because they've sent this to twenty other women and, eventually, one will respond. It's twenty minutes for twenty women. It costs nothing.

Sometimes it's a "hey, nice pics. I see you like Band X".

This is a prioritizing in language. It's a short message, next to no effort. And it's listed in level of importance to the writer. Hi. You're hot. Oh, and this other thing that I'm tossing on to show minimal effort and hope that you take the bait of talking about your favorite band.

It's not intentional, it's subconscious.

Then there's the ones that are from friends.

"Hey, nice pics. You're looking good. I've been bullfighting in Kentucky. It's been a trip, I've made a lot of friends. What have you been up to? We should meet up."

Again, prioritizing. You're hot. I'd like to stick my penis in you. This is what I've been doing that makes me cool or an object of pity that you should nestle against your soft bosom. We should meet up for soft bosom-nestling.

And some people reading this (dear god, you have a lot of free time) will say, "Noooo, it's just a friend, you're reading sex into everything! Guys aren't like that."

Well, sirs and madams, let me demonstrate for you (without copy-and-pasting the several emails I have received this year since becoming single, and even before I was), how these emails pan out.

"Hey, nice pics. You're looking good. I've been bullfighting in Kentucky. It's been a trip, I've made a lot of friends. What have you been up to? We should meet up."

"Aw, thanks. I've been working really hard to get back in shape. It's been tough, but totally worth it. Bull fighting, huh? That's really cool! How'd you get into that? Such a weird activity, I bet you have lots of stories. I've been accepted into grad school, starting in Fall, and I'm moving shortly to be closer to campus. I've also been working on my writing and just finished a script for Hustler, which is really cool."

"Yeah, bullfighting is awesome. I got into it through a friend-- I was originally going to be a rodeo clown, but they thought I'd be better flapping a cape in the wind. Anyhow, let's get together soon."

...do you see what happened? He sent message with information "A" and question "B". I responded to information "A" and gave information "B". He responded with more about "A" and completely ignored "B".

Again, not intentional, not malicious. Just a lack of caring. Because they don't care. Not even enough to comment to say "oh congratulations" or "oh neat". It doesn't enter their transom. It does not show a direct path to embedding their purple-headed warrior into your quivering love-pudding, so it is discarded as unnecessary energy to be spent typing.

This happens to me all the time.

And, no, I'm not looking for it. And, yes, I'll write back to their response about their bullfighting and drop in more about my life, even if it's just an inconsequential joke about something... and it won't be responded to. So around the fourth response where anything I say that isn't about them or sex is ignored, I'll stop writing.

I'm told I should appreciate the attention.

Please explain to me why I should appreciate it when my guy friends, guys I genuinely enjoyed spending time with, when life separated us however many years ago (they moved, I moved, they got a girlfriend, got married, stopped clubbing, whatever), message me not to catch up and see what I've been up to, tell me what they've been up to, but message me solely to hook up and ignore any attempts at friendship.

Is my friendship not worth anything to them? When I put effort forth to find out what the last few years have been like for them and share my own and they ignore it, it certainly doesn't feel like they care or have any interest in me as a person.

Then it makes me question the previous friendship. Why were they friends with me in the past? What was the motive? Friendship is to be discarded because I'm now suddenly, inexplicably, in the category of bangable?

Also to be considered on the level of appreciating their interest/enjoyment of pictures:

If they're sending a halfassed message of "hey, nice pics" then they're generally saying one of two things:

1. The recipient isn't worth more pursuit. You're hot enough for three words, but an actual conversation, fuck no.

2. The sender is socially incompetent, at least online, which isn't a compliment to the receiver. "Hi, I attract men who aren't bright enough to realize that just because we're online doesn't mean you can drop all pretense of politeness."

I receive messages from old guy friends, even old guy friends who I used to regularly sleep with, and they are genuine caring emails, catching each other up, asking about each other's lives, becoming friends again. And I will go out with them, I will take the time out of my usually insanely busy schedule to have lunch or dinner with them and I will truly enjoy myself.

Because they actually care and it shows.

Thanks for reading, if you got this far. And thanks to my true guy friends who show me that I can not talk to someone for years and still see them and know we care about each other as people, as friends.

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"You know what? Fuck the moon! He controls our water and our women. I've had enough!"