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I've lurked this thread since it went up, and Darryl, I'm not sure what you want from us. If you're looking for validation or permission, you're in the wrong place. I think that anyone who read the elaborations you've made on your OP is going to think that you need help. Honestly, I've lurked so long because I'm still undecided on whether or not this is all real. Your latest post drew me out.
I'm going to assume that you're telling the truth - you haven't given me any other signs of being a liar - and tell you that what you're feeling is not normal. If you described it as a momentary passing thought, I'd say "we all think that at one time or another". But these are lingering and consuming. You're spending what seems to be a significant amount of time thinking this through. And that worries me.
Obviously, you're under psychiatric care. Just as obviously, it's not working very well. Your latest post concerns me enough to think about the real safety of your future victim. If you think that you might be a danger to yourself or others, you owe it you, me and everyone else to tell your caregivers. Make sure they understand it. Get them to up your meds or find another way to help.
Good luck.
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"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo
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