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Mathilda · 06-11-2011, 05:25 AM

My first memory of being fat is from when 4 years old.
The girl next door had a pretty dress and I wanted one. My mum said I couldn't have one because I was too fat and it wouldn't look good on me.
For the first seven years I was pretty much raised by my grandmother, who still to this day (93) hasn't ever weighed 100 lbs. Yes, everything was home cooked, most of it grown in the garden. So what the hell happened?

My dad is fat (and so is most of his side of the family), my mum is skinny.
The reason my grandmother looked after me was that my mum went back to work when I was 3 months old. She worked pretty close to home and my gran would take me there so she could breastfeed me on her lunch break. Did that make the strong association in my mind that food = comfort & safety? I don't know.
From 8 years onwards, I was self sufficient enough to wake up for school, make my own breakfast (wake up my parents when I left), get my own snack when I got home from school. Bread with cheese. That was my staple.
Yes I walked or cycled to school, went ice skating in the winter, swimming in the summer, roaming in the forests, but also read a lot of books. And yes, I was fat all through that.

I'm one of those disgusting people who take up too much space.
I'm very aware of that.
I do what I can to avoid public transport, so people don't have to sit next to me.
I don't go to restaurants, so they don't have to see me eat. If I have to eat in front of other people, you can be 100% sure it will be a salad. And that's fine, I like salads.
I don't go to the movies, theatres, shows, park...
I only go to shops when I absolutely have to, I hate people looking at me.
Luckily I hate shopping anyway.

I get it, I should exercise, but can you imagine the horror of having to work out next to me in a gym. Don't worry, I won't happen. I don't know if you can, but I can see the look that would be on your face if I did.
Doesn't have to a gym, just go for a walk. Same self conciousness meets me there.
I know, just ignore it, it's not important. Easy, isn't it.
I'd rather give speech for an audience of hundreds than go to a gym, because that would be less terrifying. Would you?

So you go to the gym five times a week, that makes you a better person than me.
Sure.
Why do you go?
Do you hate it every time?
Or maybe it makes you feel good?
Sure, some days it's difficult to motivate yourself, but you always feel so much better afterwards.
Guess what, I don't.

I don't drink, I don't do drugs. Does that make a better person than the one who gets drunk every weekend or smokes weed couple of times a week? No, it doesn't. Those things just don't give me any pleasure, I don't enjoy them, so I don't do them.

So what do I eat?
Salad for lunch, home cooked dinner.
And bread and cheese. Sometimes cinnamon buns, sometimes ice cream. That's about it. I don't eat huge portions. It's that bread and cheese. Couple of times a day when I shouldn't. When I get home from work, when everybody else has gone to bed. That's enough.

I know how to lose weight.
Eat less, exercise more.
I've lost about 50 pounds three times in my life.
And then I can't do it any longer and it comes back.

Why do I eat?
It gives me pleasure, it's a way of looking after myself. Not a good one, I know.
I eat when I'm tired, or bored, or depressed.
It's an addiction.
After about three hours of not eating anything, I find myself staring at a kitchen cupboard, it's like I'm in a trance.
Sometimes I'll walk away, sometimes I just get a drink (diet soda), sometimes I'll get an apple but probably 25% of time I'll get a cheese sandwich.
Giving up smoking is easy compared to losing weight. For me anyway.

At the same time I like how being fat makes me unsexual.
Nobody flirts with me, objectifies me. I'm treated as a person, not a piece of flesh. I know I won't be raped walking home after dark. I won't be sexually harassed at work.
Even more importantly, it makes sure that I don't make a complete idiot out myself by flirting with people, trying to shag everything that moves. I know my place.

What I'm very happy about is that I seem to have managed to raise my kids without a weird relationship to food. They are normal weight, don't use food for comfort or control.

06-11-2011, 05:25 AM	#30 (permalink)
Mathilda Upright Location: Finland	My first memory of being fat is from when 4 years old. The girl next door had a pretty dress and I wanted one. My mum said I couldn't have one because I was too fat and it wouldn't look good on me. For the first seven years I was pretty much raised by my grandmother, who still to this day (93) hasn't ever weighed 100 lbs. Yes, everything was home cooked, most of it grown in the garden. So what the hell happened? My dad is fat (and so is most of his side of the family), my mum is skinny. The reason my grandmother looked after me was that my mum went back to work when I was 3 months old. She worked pretty close to home and my gran would take me there so she could breastfeed me on her lunch break. Did that make the strong association in my mind that food = comfort & safety? I don't know. From 8 years onwards, I was self sufficient enough to wake up for school, make my own breakfast (wake up my parents when I left), get my own snack when I got home from school. Bread with cheese. That was my staple. Yes I walked or cycled to school, went ice skating in the winter, swimming in the summer, roaming in the forests, but also read a lot of books. And yes, I was fat all through that. I'm one of those disgusting people who take up too much space. I'm very aware of that. I do what I can to avoid public transport, so people don't have to sit next to me. I don't go to restaurants, so they don't have to see me eat. If I have to eat in front of other people, you can be 100% sure it will be a salad. And that's fine, I like salads. I don't go to the movies, theatres, shows, park... I only go to shops when I absolutely have to, I hate people looking at me. Luckily I hate shopping anyway. I get it, I should exercise, but can you imagine the horror of having to work out next to me in a gym. Don't worry, I won't happen. I don't know if you can, but I can see the look that would be on your face if I did. Doesn't have to a gym, just go for a walk. Same self conciousness meets me there. I know, just ignore it, it's not important. Easy, isn't it. I'd rather give speech for an audience of hundreds than go to a gym, because that would be less terrifying. Would you? So you go to the gym five times a week, that makes you a better person than me. Sure. Why do you go? Do you hate it every time? Or maybe it makes you feel good? Sure, some days it's difficult to motivate yourself, but you always feel so much better afterwards. Guess what, I don't. I don't drink, I don't do drugs. Does that make a better person than the one who gets drunk every weekend or smokes weed couple of times a week? No, it doesn't. Those things just don't give me any pleasure, I don't enjoy them, so I don't do them. So what do I eat? Salad for lunch, home cooked dinner. And bread and cheese. Sometimes cinnamon buns, sometimes ice cream. That's about it. I don't eat huge portions. It's that bread and cheese. Couple of times a day when I shouldn't. When I get home from work, when everybody else has gone to bed. That's enough. I know how to lose weight. Eat less, exercise more. I've lost about 50 pounds three times in my life. And then I can't do it any longer and it comes back. Why do I eat? It gives me pleasure, it's a way of looking after myself. Not a good one, I know. I eat when I'm tired, or bored, or depressed. It's an addiction. After about three hours of not eating anything, I find myself staring at a kitchen cupboard, it's like I'm in a trance. Sometimes I'll walk away, sometimes I just get a drink (diet soda), sometimes I'll get an apple but probably 25% of time I'll get a cheese sandwich. Giving up smoking is easy compared to losing weight. For me anyway. At the same time I like how being fat makes me unsexual. Nobody flirts with me, objectifies me. I'm treated as a person, not a piece of flesh. I know I won't be raped walking home after dark. I won't be sexually harassed at work. Even more importantly, it makes sure that I don't make a complete idiot out myself by flirting with people, trying to shag everything that moves. I know my place. What I'm very happy about is that I seem to have managed to raise my kids without a weird relationship to food. They are normal weight, don't use food for comfort or control.