There is the crux of 'knowing what you're doing'. Hiring a home inspector when purchasing or acquiring a home is supposed to relieve this burden. They are supposed to know code and how it applies to save the home owner these kinds of head & foot aches. Unfortunately, not everyone hires an inspector and even those who do, don't always get the info they need. Not all, but most of the inspectors out there are just looking to make a buck and with no liability on their part, just don't care.
Had someone inspected that deck who knows what they're doing, a few things would have been evident right away.
1. No lag bolts in the rim joist. (they're easy to see if you know to look for them).
2. No knee or cross braces. (vital on a deck standing so high and easy to see).
3. Rotting deck (floor) boards. (you had enough knowledge to find this, a pro should too).
4. No joist hangers. (even if they weren't code when it was built, they are cheap and easy to add after the deck is built).
Any one of these would deem the deck unsafe in my mind and likely by code in your area. In the future, if you don't know something, hire someone who does and ask lots of questions.
I'm still not convinced that the liability is all on your shoulders for this though. I would keep pushing the insurer until you get a more satisfactory result. I find it hard to believe and insurer would insure anything sight unseen. Fuck even my car insurance guy has me drive to his office to look a car over before he'll insure it. I'm pretty sure if the hood was missing and one of the wheels was falling off, he'd tell me 'no way, fix it or forget it'.
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