zenda

Hi Darryl

Monkeysugars point makes a lot of sense. As does your sense of pain and unfairness.

I'm looking at the timings and conversations you've mentioned.
Try the following thinking ... There's two people in the distance from each other, and they are interested. They approach and they are still interested, and closer still they remain interested and they are now within speaking distance and that's still OK. Let's rewind and do that again. In the distance, "hmm " with an option on 'wow!' . Closer, and Wow! ... more options due to knowing more.

Closer still and .. what was your word "WOO" ... a green light to woo her. Wooing is a Different Road from 'just friends', as just friends is different from 'just acquaintances', as all of them are different from 'something interesting in the distance'. These are different sections of road, with different sets of traffic lights. So first off: Congratulations! You got to 'WOO'!. You are already one of the fortunate ones ... attractive enough for folks to go 'heyyyyyy, he's interesting ... I wonder how close I might want to get to him!'. Therefore your likely future means you will NEED to learn to navigate a richer tapestry of signals and motivations for rejection and attraction or distance and closeness, and I reckon your right to give it priority. But let's start from where you're at Right Now:

All the time you've been thinking about this upsetting situation, you've considered the options and come to reject some negative directions, therefore you are seeking professional help and also coming here. You've been gathering information and adjusting your thinking. You might have played with possibilities, but you've not 'toyed' with yourself ... you've genuinely exploring what you want and don't want in your life - choosing what you will and will not reject.

Both you and she had to get close enough to do this, to make properly informed decisions. Your object during the last few months has been 'what shall I do about all this and how I feel'. Her object had been 'what kind of relationship will I want with Darryl'. Your upsetness has got to the stage of 'fantasise shooting and blood draining on a pole' to know, rightly 'no way! I'm doing something different with whatever assistance it takes'. Consider the possibility that she had to get all the way to 'possibly woo' in order to find out 'no further than that'.

Think of that 'explicit green light' she gave you: you know green light to 'woo' does not equal 'door key' any more than your green light to recent fantasies about her intentions is a 'door key' to simply believing them or acting them out. There are many more, so please put 'She was toying with me' so it is just one option among many others .... like one small bead in a bag full of many other possibilities. I know you can begin to guess some of them, and there are many others not yet begun to concieve, so it's best to make space for them now. One bead says "Just Toying", Another bead says "needed to get 'this close' to wisely know 'no closer' ". Some will show her in a bad light, some will show her, and you, in other bad, neutral and also good lights: many beads, most of which have not yet got labels.

Now put that bag of possibilities somewhere safe over there: as I hinted in the "WOO" paragraph, you will explore them later.



For now, consider this sense of rejection again ... separately from old questions of red, green or amber lights, or walk/don't walk signs: no one of them was a door-key, or invitation to meet the parents, or to the bedroom or the altar; just as no image of those old negative scenarios was more than a signal to get, as you are, more and better choices than you felt you had. How much closer now can you get to and remain with that more pleasantly, or at least comfortably hideous sense of Ordinary Rejection? You know, you said:

"I can take rejection"

Is UNcomplicated rejection something you are ready to get through unassisted, or can it become a shift of focus for your therapy and support? What other things might you need to get past this? And also to prepare you for those other romantic possibilities in the future?

Oh, by the way ... how was life for you generally, before you met her? How were you getting along with yourself and others then? I'm asking: if you could get that life back, how would you want it to be different? And how could your learnings from these recent events be very helpful to you?
_______________________________


Should you wait for her?
I'm with everybody else in this thread and with their reasons.

She is not totally sure, and also seeing her with somebody else?
She is not your Red light,

Your future includes many people who are not her
The Green light is always yours to go ahead and WOO that future, and to continue, though increasingly less uncomfortably, to accept and respect others lights as you are learning to respect yours

Best wishes

__________________
ZENDA