humblelove

Heres my story.
My boyfriend and I have been dating online for almost a year now. We met on a creative writing site, found we had an instant chemistry and connection and have been speaking ever since so 10 months now. I am currently 24 years old and he is 18. I have had many boyfriends before and have a lot of experience with relationships and sex. He has never had a girlfriend before and has very little emotional experience with women. He is also very emotionally sensitive and requires lots of instruction and explanation when it comes to matters of the heart. The up side to that is that every time we have any kind of conflict, he is hell bent on understanding whats wrong and it ultimately allows us to compromise and come to understandings. Thankfully we communicate.

For the most part we are an incredible team and connect very well. We are both highly ambitious, and have great dreams and aspirations of how we want to build a family and community. But like any relationship we have our ups and downs. To give a little more background information, last summer I went to visit relatives for a month. At that time, we had only been speaking for about 3 months. During the first months, we spoke regularly on skype, and I sent him several nude pictures of myself to show him how turned on I am by him. I am used to showing off my body with bf’s and he was very appreciative of them. However, he took a very very very long time reciprocating, and by the end of the 3 months, I was so frustrated that he wouldn’t even show me his face. I tried my best to be sensitive to his insecurities as I know he is a young teenage boy with little experience and that he’s never exposed himself before. But also knowing how sexually open he is at the same time, I was commited to getting some pictures from him. I feel that my expressing that I want a man who is fit and athletic may have intimidated him. I can understand that, so I made absolutely sure not to pressure him. I know I would not like to be pressured myself.

SO. After talking for what seemed like ages with no webcam, no pictures of him. I felt increasingly nervous and apprehensive about even seeing what he looks like. I was terrified that this person who I had come to love and feel so much for might not do it for me physically.

Well finally after I had had enough with waiting, I told him it was unfair to me not to even show me a picture of his face. He felt bad and ended up taking some pictures of himself. One was very dark and he was covering his mouth, another picture had him looking down and not even smiling, and another was half fuzzy. Again I had to consider that this guy has not had the picture taking online seducing experiences that I have.

I felt so vulnerable because although I had willingly given him naked pics of myself, he wouldn’t show me his body except for his hard on. I know I told him I didn’t want to be with a guy who was physically ‘soft’ and I know he has been going to the gym trying to make sure he is perfect for me. He’s neurotic, and a perfectionist.

But I did something bad. Honestly I was so frustrated. Where I was visiting, life out there isn’t on a computer all day and most of my time was spent out in the wilderness, and on trails and beaches. One particular night I threw myself at another guy I had met through my cousin. We ended up spending about 3 weeks together while I was visiting. I saw him every day, we had sex, went on a road trip, etc. I was very confused because I had two men in my life, and although I felt strongly for one, I had never met him. The other guy I went on a road trip with, him and I connected really well, but there was no romantic or sexual chemistry, and I ended it when I returned home in September.

From September to the present, I have continued to talk to my online love. I eventually told him about what happened and he was devastated. I knew that I had lost his trust, and it has taken a long time to get it back. He was amazingly forgiving, but he admitted openly that as much as he loved me, he was genuinely hurt. I don’t blame him. But I also was not going to hang myself over it, it happened and I’m sorry and all I could do from that point onwards was prove to him that what we had was worth developing.
The other issue is, I have an addiction to porn. He doesn’t have a problem with me watching it, but definitely prefers it when I am there on the phone doing it with him and focusing on the sexual energy we share. To me his request is valid because I know myself, when I masturbate while watching porn, I can’t focus on sharing my sensations with him, and frankly I know that I have much better orgasms when I do it with him. But still, every now and then I do like to just be alone, watch porn, and get my business done.
But I feel like he is expecting a lot from me. He wants me to masturbate only when he’s around because he doesn’t want to miss any of my orgasms. But sometimes I want a quickie and don’t want to deal with the static over skype, or the headset digging into the sides of my head. But if I tell him I masturbated alone, he gets upset. Even though he understands why I do it, and why I sometimes need time ALONE (for pete sake) he still feels hurt.
Keep in mind that as I tell all this, I have been extremely patient with his emotional struggles and that he also in return has been very understanding of my own hang ups. We help each other out quite a bit and we have grown as a couple. But of course that doesn’t mean we won’t have obstacles and that’s why I just need to put this down in writing, whether I get useful advice back or not. I just need to get this off my chest.

I KNOW this has everything to do with his insecurities but as his partner this is clearly affecting me. I believe in full disclosure so ‘not telling’ is not an option. We are slowly working this out and I know he will grow and learn that these behaviours are ok in relationships, but man it takes a lot out of me. I want to take time to myself without feeling like I’m sneaking behind his back. If I hadn’t ever given him a reason to distrust me I would be pretty angry with his paranoia, but I am also compassionate to what he is feeling because I essentially fucked off with another man for almost a month and barely responded to his messages through out that time.

We have never met, but will be meeting this summer finally, as we both have full time school during the year. Most importantly, I want to establish some better values and habits so that we are not fostering resentment. He is a beautiful, intelligent, intellectual, and spiritual person, and I believe he has his struggles just as I have mine. But I am feeling out of control, and very suffocated. I know he means well and a lot of this is him missing me and wanting to always be present for everything that goes on with me. I feel a similar frustration because we aren’t able to be together in person yet.
One thing I am going to try more is getting out of the house for walks and getting more involved in community work and friends. Sometimes I feel like all we need is time apart so that the time we spend together isn’t always spent worrying and being paranoid. I don’t want to just ‘ditch him’ and start off with someone new. I think all of this has been a huge learning curve for him. He always comes back apologizing and wanting to figure and talk things out and I respect him a lot for facing his fears. Of course that doesn’t mean he doesn’t still get upset and controlling. Where it goes bad for me, is when I react to his behaviour by becoming depressed myself. I need to use better strategies for dealing with this stress while still maintaining my relationship with him. Independence is important to me, but I also believe in compromise and compassion.