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I dont know to what degree I am "mentally ill".
Both my parents have been diagnosed and medicated for depression. I was in counselling for a couple of months at age 19 for panic attacks. (after a while I just stopped going, all I used to do was invent fantasy's to tell the counseller, and I just felt like I was making a fool of myself)
I think I know I have some mental health "issues"... that I have dark moods and mood swings which are worse than normal people, that I have problems with self esteem and feeling like everyone around me hates me or is mocking me sometimes. Sometimes I dont sleep well, but that hasnt been a problem for the last year or so. Ive also stopped smoking and cut back probably 90% of what I used to drink (in terms of alcohol)
I dont think I will ever seek professional help again, because I think I can cope with it. But I guess sometimes the problems I have make me act irrationally, make me shut myself off from other people, and make my life worse than it ought to be.
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I have done things that you might call "mad" before - like deliberately cut my arm when I was drunk because some girl didnt reply to a text message I sent, smashed things in my flat, written "you're a cunt" etc on the wall of my bedroom, broken windows... but when I look back I feel ashamed about it and I cant imagine doing it again now.
I couldnt ever imagine seriously hurting myself, I couldnt imagine having a real break down or failure. But sometimes my moods and feelings tip over the edge on unbelievably small things, and I blow up the tinest event to be a big deal and a sign that someone thinks Im a tosser or is laughing at me behind my back.
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"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."
The Gospel of Thomas
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