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Getting a proper diagnosis of things like bi-polar disorder is rare it seems.
I have been put on many pharmesutical drugs - last being metrazapine - that made my head go a bit muggy, and every day the cloud in my head got thicker - untill it was as thick and heavy as one of those grounded clouds - a sheep. Tried them for the two weeks.
Was on hypericum - but that doesnt go with blood pressure meds - you get this tight metal band around your chest - . I asked my doctor if it would be good to increase my seratonin levels - of course it would. I take borage aka starflower - romans called it 'the herb that cheers'. I take Zopiclone as I cant sleep. One of the worst bits - no the worst bit - because of the constant anxiety and depression, it affects my blood pressure, and meds were unable to control it - and I had a brain aneurysm. After surgery I was told how important it is to get it down and keep it down (impossibleish). I usualy have a bit og green to take the edge off - sometimes, like many, to avoid reality. My son has a 'personality disorder' - his symptoms look like bi-polar. We have both tried alone to kill ourselves - quite awfull, on day he said he wished he was dead, and I so wanted to say, come on then, lets go together, end the pain. Mums shouldnt say things like that or even think them should they. We plod or stumble on, just the two of us in our family - my birth family - lots of maternal abuse to two of the children - I used to beat myself up all the time, and one day I was out with Mr Ben - he was a schnauzer x jrt, and had been kicked with doc martin boots by a chap with black trousers, and he had been tortured. He would freak at black trousers and shoes - tried to nip a police womans trousers because she was at his door and, to his mind, coming for him to give him the expected kicking - he never got over it, and one day walking him I thought, its not his fault he is this way, its what has been done to him. Then I thought, why can I be so much kinder to the dog than I am to my self, who I beat up about everything. Working with abused and head shot animals - the shadows are always there, hidden away in the back of their minds maybe, but always there. I accept they are products of what has happened to them.
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