zenda

Hi Pan.

I happen to be by my computer at the moment ...



nb ... I'd like a variant of this emoticon, where the reciever does NOT smile. It's not smiling time. You getting it off your chest, and me being here and able to get back to you right now.

Hmmm ... Check this out.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Footprints_(poem)

In my last post, I indicated that the God of your Understanding is necessarily 'bigger' or 'greater' than you are any one moment of your being. I'm not trying to pump into any specific theology, just drawing attention of the conscious mind's being a tiny, though always feels like everything, part of the whole of our being.

That footsteps poem, IMO, describes one element of that relationship.

Buggered if it'll make you feel any better for reading it, or me any better for recommending it. Think of it as a cross between a marching song to carry you, the warrior, through the darkest night, and Cum Bay Ah by the camp fire.

On second thoughts, forget Cum Bay Ah.

Darkest night. Yeh. "Can I take any more of what I already couldn't take any more of before THIS latest event?" darkest nights. Soddem.

I'm off to bed now ... England = 2:30 in the morning. I'll check in with you when I wake up. Others'll be around before then anyway, I'm sure.

Take care.

---------- Post added at 03:14 AM ---------- Previous post was at 02:40 AM ----------

---------- Post added at 09:39 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:58 PM ----------

[/COLOR]going on to yet another brain surgery.... it'll be #5 since August 28th......... I am losing it. This has become like an addiction in and of itself for me, when I think I am better I am under the knife again. I can't take much more. There's no "it's my choice" there's no "turning it over"..... there is ONLY FEAR.[/quote]


This IS outside everything you'd grown up to expect. I'm agreeing that you are losing it ... even going so far as to say you have LOST it BY WHICH I MEAN: you're previous ways of being YOU have become out of date suddenly and terribly .... for a while. No choice, no turning over. YOU, passive and stuff happening in you and to you. I am at best only understanding a fraction ... just got your words to go on. I am, though, wanting to push the message to you that where you're at, "Losing it" is the proper response. If you were mumbling niceties and platitudes, I'd think you'd gone a bit psycho.

I, a n00b, only know you from your last few days posts ... so it's not worth much that I tell you I reckon you are dealing with this Solidly and Realistically ... it is the words of those who know you better which must move you most ... but I happen to be the one who's around at the moment, to actively witness, as best I can, as you're getting it off your chest.

You're shit scared and helpless, and have got the sense and true grit and guts to pull that card from the bloody awful hand you've been dealt recently, and to slap that face up on the table and call it the way it is. And I look at you accross the table and know that you are playing it TRUE.

There's the warrior, Pan. Here's where you're excersizing your choice.

I'm too tired to to be sure whether I'm making useful sense ... focus on your own strength ... realise you are probably the strongest one in the house at the moment. don't try to get sympathy and understanding from those whom you KNOW are not able to give it.

This IS your time of darkness. This is where your fire is not blazing. You cannot see it, but the embers are warm ... as if some part of you has covered it with a few ashes to keep the heat in .. and blows occasionally to keep them glowing. "Hey Mom" is not the way to go here - so maintain your energy in and for yourself ... preserve yourself through your evening and then sleep as well as you can.

I wish I were clearer just now.
Take care and see you tomorrow, Pan.

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ZENDA