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Hi, Anonymous
I've carefully read what you've read, and the responses you've got. Those responses are solid gold.
My times of zero mobility have been times for me to reach out to others and myself with whatever remains. I've felt like I've had to climb, sometimes vertically, to build value and meaning. It is easier to be happy/in touch with a sense of meaning when the sun is shining. In the bitter times of life, it is hard, but still there to be built, like the fire on a wet day, is may be harder to light and maintain, but it's warmth and light is good and essential.
What has been written above is precisely what I would have needed to hear at the worst of those times, and as I re-read those responses, I stand, in spirit, shoulder to shoulder with you.
I'm looking at the suggested review of the medical situation, and at the idea that you need better psychological support, also at how your present ability to communicate is your power and touchstone ... a bridge from here to your future.
Those elements in your environment which you identify as ignoble ... be they friends, father or mother - Mom, dad and your 'close to physical home' friends might have been OK when you were OK, but crap at dealing with someone close who's become disabled. Sounds like they are just not up to the job. Your mom and dad are definitely lacking in the skills you need in your circle in your present condition of life.
You need, as you are doing here, to surround them with many other elements - positive ones of your own choosing, ones which are more, lets be blunt, QUALIFIED to be your friends and family given where you are at. Graduates and fellow students of the School of Hard Knocks are your proper peers, as are members of the Research Faculty for Climbing Slippery Vertical Surfaces.
You are not dead. You feel like you are ... and many elements in your home environment are helping you feel that way. They only had time for the 'Not Ill' you. The Ill You is, as it were, dead to them - I re-read your descriptions of them. You're not going to confuse THEIR perceptions with YOUR reality, are you? Also, by your own view, you are in a state MASSIVELY different from what 'being alive' was to have been when you were healthy. You don't want to live the way you are living at the moment. You're not going to confuse YOUR perceptions with THEIR reality, are you? It's a pain in the ass that your present condition and extenal external influence have woven the ignoble illusion.
You come across to me as a very living and frustrated person who had had good reason to feel that you're dead at the moment. You haven't needed to hanker after taking your life ... that's already been, for a while, taken. By which I mean that your heart is beating and there's neural activity, and intelligence and spirit enough to speak up whilst in this ruddy strange dead/notalive half-live which is between that old life you grew to manhood expecting, and the life you are now building.
Ruddy strange. Let's re-read those solid gold responses above again.
Best wishes
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ZENDA
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