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Originally Posted by Anonymous Member
I'm considering suicide. I have been for years. Especially the last couple of days. I am so dead inside I feel like it wouldn't even be a suicide. Just an ending of a biological organism.
I have little support. Ive been seeing a psychiatrist and counselor for several years and they really haven't helped. So even though they're technically supporting me, I don't feel I'm receiving support.
I don't speak to my Dad but once about 1.5 times a month. He's never very encouraging.
My mom just flat out refuses to talk about anything dark.
My "good" friends never even ask how I'm doing after Ive told them about my afflictions.
I just feel alone and dead already. Trying to think, what's to stop me? I mean, really, why shouldn't I? Emotional turmoil from family is the only thing really stopping me I think. But then again that life. Death is a part of it. We all die sometime.
This crushing depression I've had for years is just using up the last of my willpower.
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I think there is a time when we all go through a period like this. For me, it was much of my 20's and into the present. I went to a great public school where it was taught that you were a failure if you weren't making a salary equal or above your age by 25. And for whatever reason I was unable to (I could blame my addiction to gambling but that would just be an excuse). I can only speak from my personal experience in life. Yours maybe totally different.
I always felt like a failure. Family sucked, friends were only "friends" until they found someone "better" to hang with so my social skills suffered. I'm not athletic had no desire to ever be. I always felt I was a schleprock, with a black cloud hanging over my head and I allowed life to control me and not allow myself to control my life.
Depression can eventually become our safe zone, so to speak. I was so convinced that I was a failure and that everything I would do I would fail at, that friends and lovers were always going to leave me for someone better. That when I did have good times I wouldn't allow myself to enjoy them, because I knew somewhere, someday it would all end. So, I would wrap myself into my comfort zone and be depressed. This only makes matters worse, friends don't want to be around someone that brings them down all the time and is a Negative Nelly. True friends, family and doctors can only do as much as you allow them to do.
Life is tough, but when I think of what death is, I'm scared and as much as I have thought suicide would end my pain, I can't do it for fear of what death is.
I don't know what your religious or philosophical background and beliefs are but my suggestion is to find something spiritual and unique to you.
Everyone has a purpose. Mine is to try and help others. Find yours and your life will get better.
If you'd like you can drop me a message and we can talk. I won't pass judgement or in anyway degrade how you feel. It's your life, you are allowed to feel how you feel. I will however listen and offer advice.