I'll go the objective, non-judgmental route.
1. As far as inexpensive sweet wines go, I would recommend a late-harvest Riesling
2. If you haven't hit it yet (it's been over 4 years since the OP); even a vintage Château d'Yquem won't help.
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If you want to avoid 95% of internet spelling errors:
"If your ridiculous pants are too loose, you're definitely going to lose them. Tell your two loser friends over there that they're going to lose theirs, too."
It won't hurt your fashion sense, either.
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