Quote:
Originally Posted by car guy
I am not sure which forum to post in but I think this one is correct. This thread was written in response to one I had posted in another forum.This is the route I chose regarding a counselor.It would be hard to find a counselor and sneak away from my business for appointments without my wife finding out.I decided to come completely clean with her regarding my needs and wants in marriage and how her sister fills the empty spots.At first she thought I planned to leave her but I reassured her I had no intention of that.I only want both of us to live happy fullfilled lives.She seemed genuinely suprised that we had a problem.I explained to her that I was suprised she was oblivious to the problem(although she was uncomfortable with the relationship I have with her sister).I haven't been sleeping at night,lost 20 lbs. in 2 months(have never been overweight to begin with) and spend waaaaay too much time with her sister.I also told her that our marriage of 22 years has become stagnent.We are so busy that we never concentrate on our relationship and I had no intention of spending the rest of my life this way.She was very receptive and wants to make it better.I talked to her about couples counceling or individual counceling.Both of us will do either if we have too.In the interim,I bought some relationship books that we are both reading.I have finished two of them.My perspective is completely different now.Our communication is much better.She has just started to read the books.I will see how we do,continue to look for a councelor to help us and I am very relieved that she now knows exactly how I feel.I did not want to do counceling without her knowledge.I hope this is a proper path to take as I have never been in this position before.
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Hi Car Guy
You were correct to post it in the other thread. Something, however, occurred to me which was relevant for this thread only.
So far, this is about how you and your wife can get along. Yup .. you'll do right by her sister, but she's still on the outside.
There may well be an important factor to be examined in the relationship between your wife and her sister ... one which YOU, in your pull between BOTH and EACH of them, did bring to light.
It's well known that different members of a family take on different emotional roles "Oh Debbie's the bright one, Alex's the sporty one, Dirk's the musical one, Jenny's the sweet one, little Tommy's the Difficult One, Daddy's the muscle and mommy's the Brains OF THE FAMILY"
These roles are sometimes not put into words ... the distribution can happen, sometimes randomly, sometimes according to family 'needs' .... eg a Mom and Dad who are potentially losing skills in functioning team sometimes 'NEED' the 'difficult Child' in order to give them something to 'work together' about. Heaven help them if the child starts developing h/er own sense of self and clarity! That's just one example.
I'm putting to you the hypothesis that it ain't just about your personal preferences, but ALSO that each sister is probably manifesting some of the very traits the other sister lacks - traits which the other sister might even Need ... and that three way therapy or problem solving might be a good idea. Alternatively .. you and your wife work as a couple on your relationship, and your wife and her sister work as a sibling couple on THEIR identities and relationship. This latter option, I prefer. Three- way would tend to mess up some of the boundaries you are seeking to clarify and maintain.
Mind you ... check and double check this hypothesis. Might be on the money, but might be a red herring. Got to double check.
All the best