Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Need some free advice on young adult at home

GreyWolf · 12-02-2010, 04:42 AM

I have a 19-yo son (legal age here), and a 15-yo son. I have explained to my adult son (still at home, in university), that he is now an adult, and my dictating to him is over. We now negotiate, but it's very easy with him. He's mature, and has no difficulty living with a set of common sense guidelines (not rules) for a young adult. If he is going to be late (rare), he calls/texts to say he will be... the same sort of courtesy you would show your wife/husband. He does not have guests over without telling us they'll be coming over (fair warning sort of thing). He has no curfew, but knows his responsibilities.

He did ask a while ago what wine tasted like (I don't think he drinks, and he certainly doesn't when he drives). He looked seriously surprised when I told him he could go buy his own and find out. While he has been to bars, I don't think he ever really realised he could go to a store and buy his own alcohol and bring it home. Just never occurred to him. It wouldn't bother me... he's an adult.

My 15-yo is 6'5" and can't understand why he can't do what his older, shorter, brother can do. Not stupid, he has a difficult time with the concept of age restrictions. When he is 18, things will be much tighter for him than they were for his brother. It's a question of personality and maturity.

You know your daughter. Your description of her is a bright, mature, considerate young-adult woman with a good sense of purpose and direction. 10pm seems unreasonable from your description. I would suggest that a flexible limit be established based on the situation where she is, the situation at home, and the schedule for the next day. Discussing with her why some nights midnight might be ok, but on others 10pm makes more sense would probably work.

Are you having a hard time letting go? I hope so. I think one of the most difficult challenges for any parent is knowing when and how far to relax the rules. And you won't know whether you were right until long after the fact (sorry).

12-02-2010, 04:42 AM	#23 (permalink)
GreyWolf Sober Location: Eastern Canada	I have a 19-yo son (legal age here), and a 15-yo son. I have explained to my adult son (still at home, in university), that he is now an adult, and my dictating to him is over. We now negotiate, but it's very easy with him. He's mature, and has no difficulty living with a set of common sense guidelines (not rules) for a young adult. If he is going to be late (rare), he calls/texts to say he will be... the same sort of courtesy you would show your wife/husband. He does not have guests over without telling us they'll be coming over (fair warning sort of thing). He has no curfew, but knows his responsibilities. He did ask a while ago what wine tasted like (I don't think he drinks, and he certainly doesn't when he drives). He looked seriously surprised when I told him he could go buy his own and find out. While he has been to bars, I don't think he ever really realised he could go to a store and buy his own alcohol and bring it home. Just never occurred to him. It wouldn't bother me... he's an adult. My 15-yo is 6'5" and can't understand why he can't do what his older, shorter, brother can do. Not stupid, he has a difficult time with the concept of age restrictions. When he is 18, things will be much tighter for him than they were for his brother. It's a question of personality and maturity. You know your daughter. Your description of her is a bright, mature, considerate young-adult woman with a good sense of purpose and direction. 10pm seems unreasonable from your description. I would suggest that a flexible limit be established based on the situation where she is, the situation at home, and the schedule for the next day. Discussing with her why some nights midnight might be ok, but on others 10pm makes more sense would probably work. Are you having a hard time letting go? I hope so. I think one of the most difficult challenges for any parent is knowing when and how far to relax the rules. And you won't know whether you were right until long after the fact (sorry). __________________ *The secret to great marksmanship is deciding what the target was AFTER you've shot.*