jewels

I’m in need of fresh perspective, so please weigh in no matter which demographics you fill. I realize that the average TFP age probably falls at about 30ish, but I’d like to hear thoughts from different angles to help me formulate a favorable conclusion for all.

My middle daughter turned 18 this summer. She’ll be starting community college in January with hopes of a direct-connect transfer to UCF within a year or two. Between a scholarship and Pell Grant, everything’s covered. She began a part-time position for minimum wage (her first job) about three weeks ago and was lucky enough to have an aunt that sent her a car when she was ready for a new one. Oh, and she has a boyfriend she’s been dating exclusively for over a year who attends UCF and lives in a dorm there.

I’d like to hear opinions about restrictions and rules. Up until now, she’s abided by my unspoken rules. She’s kept up with curfews set and does a fair job of her expected chores at home. We’ve made an agreement that she’ll hand over about 25% of her monthly income and I’m trying to pin her down to save 50% but would probably be happy if she saves 25%. It’s too easy for her to “need” another pair of boots or the perfect fashion accessory. On the other hand, she knew I was in dire straits this month and handed over her full first two weeks paycheck. When I told her I’d pay her back when I get paid on Friday, she told me not to worry about it. Yes, she’s pretty awesome.

We’ve agreed on a weekend curfew time, but my issue is with weekdays. Hopefully, I’m not just trying to keep her home but I feel she needs some time with her younger sister (17) who’s a junior in high school. They’ve been super tight all these years and although I do see moments of bonding and confidence, they’re not as frequent as they once were. Yes, I’m eager for them to keep the relationship for themselves but also, selfishly, it gives me great joy to see the interaction. When I asked her to be home at 10:00 last evening, she was disappointed and texted me that “I thought you said things were going to change now that I’m showing responsibility and accountability.”

I’m usually decisive when it comes to the girls, but can’t help questioning myself. Am I being unreasonable? Of course, I have the authority to set the rules, but I want to be fair. My younger daughter is still a consideration in all of my decisions. Even if she were paying half the rent, I wouldn’t feel differently. Should I back out of pushing their relationship? Do I have a hidden agenda I can’t see, or is it perfectly reasonable to set rules that work for me?

I’m also well aware that “most” kids of her age probably do whatever the hell they want and that I’m fortunate that my daughter will abide (begrudgingly or not) by the rules I set, but I also want to let her flutter her wings so that she will be able to fly when she's ready.

Thoughts? Advice?

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain