Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Death of a friend... don't want to go to the services

snowy · 11-20-2010, 09:19 AM

I'm sorry for your loss, sbscout.

I didn't go to my grandfather's "memorial service." It wasn't for him. He didn't really want one. My former aunt insisted that we have one, and insisted her preacher do the memorial service. When my parents informed me that there was to be a memorial service, they also let me know that it was totally okay if I didn't want to attend. Instead, I went with my family when we went to inter his ashes some time after the memorial service.

I am thankful that I have a family that is so understanding about grief and death. My mother's first husband died of cancer when they were both still in their early 20s, and so she's always had a different perspective than other people when it came to dying. I grew up knowing that my mother had had a husband who died, and so death was not the forbidden topic it might be in other households. ZS can tell you how frank my parents are about this kind of thing--after a while, I find it kind of morbid, but ultimately I'm glad that we can talk about it.

For most of our family, we've done private services where we've dispersed the person's ashes according to their wishes. My other grandfather was poured into the Pilchuck River in Washington. My oma was scattered into a stormy Pacific on a gray November day she would have loved. A little bit of her ashes were left afterward, so they were mixed with my grandpa's ashes when those were interred. I have fond feelings of those days, despite the funerary aspect. They are seared into my memory.

I hope that even if you aren't able to find comfort in the funeral that you might comfort someone else who cared for Barb.

11-20-2010, 09:19 AM	#3 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	I'm sorry for your loss, sbscout. I didn't go to my grandfather's "memorial service." It wasn't for him. He didn't really want one. My former aunt insisted that we have one, and insisted her preacher do the memorial service. When my parents informed me that there was to be a memorial service, they also let me know that it was totally okay if I didn't want to attend. Instead, I went with my family when we went to inter his ashes some time after the memorial service. I am thankful that I have a family that is so understanding about grief and death. My mother's first husband died of cancer when they were both still in their early 20s, and so she's always had a different perspective than other people when it came to dying. I grew up knowing that my mother had had a husband who died, and so death was not the forbidden topic it might be in other households. ZS can tell you how frank my parents are about this kind of thing--after a while, I find it kind of morbid, but ultimately I'm glad that we can talk about it. For most of our family, we've done private services where we've dispersed the person's ashes according to their wishes. My other grandfather was poured into the Pilchuck River in Washington. My oma was scattered into a stormy Pacific on a gray November day she would have loved. A little bit of her ashes were left afterward, so they were mixed with my grandpa's ashes when those were interred. I have fond feelings of those days, despite the funerary aspect. They are seared into my memory. I hope that even if you aren't able to find comfort in the funeral that you might comfort someone else who cared for Barb. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau