Xerxys, you always have a way with words that makes me laugh
Zbier, I feel the frustration in your words and wish your relationship could have worked out. Your relationship is, or perhaps was, very close to mine. I too have felt some measure of anger many times, but realized recently that I was using her desire for sex as a measure of myself, which brought about a feeling of insult. I felt like a failure of a man for not "driving her wild". This was amplified by my knowing that she has a wild side, however repressed that may be. Perhaps it has evolved over time to other manifestations besides sexual, such as her tattoos, dyed hair, etc.
One thing I didn't mention before is that up until recently she was always giving chase, like a girl teasing, then shying away. Often it was more me chasing her like a dog chasing a parked car. For instance, I would walk up behind her in the morning when we're getting ready for work and grab her boob lightly while hugging her from behind, and she would snap at me and tell me to stop. Sometimes it would be like that, and sometimes it was lighter but still irritating, to me. She thought putting up a fight was cute, in some way. After years of that I told her with my recent breakdown that I wasn't going to play that game any more. If she pushes me away, away I will walk. I demonstrated that 2 days later when she habitually pushed me away and I just turned around and left the kitchen. She asked why I left and I reminded her that I will simply walk away from that crap. She got the hint, and now she is more open to flirty grabs, and actually seems to enjoy it, now that she's tried playing on the other side of the fence. She even does some grabbing of her own, to which I eagerly accept.
That's an example of what I've been talking about, as well. This is where I say "Just try it" and lo and behold, she enjoys it. I would never lead her down the wrong path intentionally, but I am an experimenter at heart. Some paths, while not meant to be done twice, are worth trying once. That thought process is one way that I define myself. For example if I am presented with a massive buffet of exotic foods, I will get small samples of everything so that I can try it all. I am not the buffoon at an expensive Thai restaurant that eats the hunan beef and follows it up with cheesecake while shying away from the real dishes that define the joint. What a waste of an experience. That way of thinking permeates nearly all aspects of my life. I am very adventurous in food. I am very adventurous outdoors. Likewise, I am the same in sex. No sushi jokes, please
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One thought that came to mind while typing the previous paragraph is our trip to vegas this summer. We hiked to the top of a mountain that we had to conquer from a failed attempt last year. We did defeat this peak, but there was one point on the climb that was "choose your own adventure". At this point we were on a trail that was looking worse and worse as we ascended, so knowing where we were from previous satellite imagery I studied before, I knew we needed to hop to an adjacent trail on top of a slope to the side. We moved that way, but the slope was sandy with loose rock and a very bad (read: deadly) drop-off 20 feet or so below us. We had no gear for this climb but once we committed, we had to keep moving. At one point halfway up I had to grab a rock with my right hand and assess how we should proceed. I was watching my wife closely behind me but she didn't have as good of an anchor and grabbed a small agave ball for support. Naturally I knew this wasn't going to hold and saw that she was about to lose her grip and her footing at the same time, so I reached back with my left, grabbed her loose arm and pulled her forward and in front of me. From there we scrambled quickly to safety. I apologized for putting her in danger like that, and we stayed safe the rest of the hike. Well, aside from my brush with heatstroke, but that's a different story.
As I said, I would never lead her down the wrong path intentionally, but that time I did, however to my credit it was unintentional. Sometimes I feel that is her fear; that I may have good intentions but make the wrong choice, where the odds end up against us in the end. I have a drive to take risks sometimes, though. I feel that if you don't risk, you don't gain. What I risk is sometimes high, but what I gain is a cherished life experience very few get to talk about. I have battled pit vipers face to face, I have been tracked as prey and survived at that crucial last moment, I have nearly died on the side of a mountain, I have fallen from 15 feet in the air, nearly broken my neck (broke my collarbone instead), had a 70mph wreck and many more. Yet from that, I wouldn't change a thing. What a trip it's been thus far. Why stop now? I am a scorpio and I live like one. Whether astrology is just a silly topic for gossip magazines or not, it is what I am.
This may shed some more light on my way of thinking and living. This is what attracts her to me, but she also gets this other part that can't sit still. Heh.