|
Cadre, drinks don't really loosen her up. She can be a happy drunk, but her perceived moral compass runs much deeper that booze. She has very deep concerns with branching out, such as STDs. I told her it's reasonable to meet people and even to ask that they get screened. Or, as common sense dictates, wear protection. She just locks up and digs in her heels. I do believe it's not going to happen at this point. Her notions of fantasy are undeveloped and almost nonexistent, which confounds me as I've had 20 years of wacking off to something new every week to work with. We are polar opposites in this regard.
Part of this stems from me trying to open her up to my fantasy life recently. I think it's just too much for her to take in. I just got tired of hiding my thoughts from her, like someone embarrassed of his desires. I felt we were at a point where we could grow and develop this together, but maybe not. In pretty much all aspects of our lives we are one person, but in this regard we are two separate individuals, and this happens to be a crucial link in our chain, to me anyways.
We got married young and she had self esteem issues from childhood. She finally got to a point that she feels attractive, but that little girl is still sad inside. I've done everything I can to help her there and she's mostly worked through it, but she still keeps her guard up on sex and how it "should be", and how much she lets loose when she does have sex. I've never felt nails dig into my back and I've never experienced my cock being worshiped. She hates performing a BJ and cum grosses her out. If I go down on her, she refuses to kiss me. It's a shame because she is SO HOT and I want to hit that like a wild man every day of the week, but she doesn't feel the craving like I do. I feel like a performance car designed to race at 200mph, but only used for the more practical purpose of getting groceries in a retirement community.
LOL @ flat tire. Concerning me, could there be something wrong with me? Sure. I'm not addicted to drugs, cigs or alcohol. I don't really even think I'm addicted to sex. I do have balls though, and with that is some measure of required periodic release. I also happen to have a very active mind, so that plays a role as well. I do have some level of mental instability, perhaps from unresolved anger from childhood beatings, abandonment, rejection and perhaps even from testosterone. I like to think I am mostly over the childhood stuff, but at times I can explode into a rage instantly if prodded, and I still have near-real momentary flashbacks. This is not common and only under times of severe stress, but the rage is there, sure. That doesn't come into our sex life though, and for that matter doesn't really come into our marriage. I get angry at normal levels just like anyone else, but I don't yell at my wife or take it out on those around me. I do bury some sadness though, perhaps related to what I experienced as a child, and perhaps on some level due to what I perceive as an incomplete life. I have so many things I want to do, but no money or time to do them. I spend 12 hours a day getting to and from work, then eat, watch some tv and hit the sack. Perhaps I am suffering from cabin fever and/or pure boredom. That definitely seems to play a role. The more bored I get, the more I want to do something different. Thinking about it, that definitely plays a role.
It's midnight and I get up in 6 hours, so I'm heading to bed. Pick this all apart and give me some feedback if you feel like it. BTW thanks for the thoughts, this helps me hash things out.
__________________
We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill
|