Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - A limiting relationship, and sexual evolution

Cimarron29414 · 10-21-2010, 11:43 AM

Vig-

I would ask your wife two questions:

"When you think of sex, what is your immediate feeling/reaction?"
"Why do you have sex?" (Notice, it doesn't say "Why do you have sex with me?")

Give her as much time as she needs to think about it and give you answers, although it's okay to check-in and ask if she has an answer yet. Don't respond to her answers, just say thanks and that you want to process that. Then, move on to another topic.

I suspect her current feelings on sex are anxiety/disappointment in self. I would imagine that her reasons for stem from obligation and guilt. She might want to feel loved, accepted, safe in sex etc. Instead, she might feel cheap, judged, like a failure etc.

If you want to unlock her sexually, for some time you have to focus on what she wants to get out of sex, rather than what you want. You have to reprogram her negative impression of her sex life into a positive one by making it fulfilling to her needs. Only when she feels safe in that arena will she relax enough to explore.

Most important, you can never cross the boundaries where she feels safe. The first time you try to sneak a finger in her butt "just to try it", you are back to square one. You can only do what she asks for. It starts by listening, not speaking. It's crystal clear what YOU want out of sex. You need to forget about that for a while.

10-21-2010, 11:43 AM	#20 (permalink)
Cimarron29414 Still Free Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!	Vig- I would ask your wife two questions: "When you think of sex, what is your immediate feeling/reaction?" "Why do you have sex?" (Notice, it doesn't say "Why do you have sex with me?") Give her as much time as she needs to think about it and give you answers, although it's okay to check-in and ask if she has an answer yet. Don't respond to her answers, just say thanks and that you want to process that. Then, move on to another topic. I suspect her current feelings on sex are anxiety/disappointment in self. I would imagine that her reasons for stem from obligation and guilt. She might want to feel loved, accepted, safe in sex etc. Instead, she might feel cheap, judged, like a failure etc. If you want to unlock her sexually, for some time you have to focus on what she wants to get out of sex, rather than what you want. You have to reprogram her negative impression of her sex life into a positive one by making it fulfilling to her needs. Only when she feels safe in that arena will she relax enough to explore. Most important, you can never cross the boundaries where she feels safe. The first time you try to sneak a finger in her butt "just to try it", you are back to square one. You can only do what she asks for. It starts by listening, not speaking. It's crystal clear what YOU want out of sex. You need to forget about that for a while. __________________ Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."