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1. If a guest needs a reasonable accommodation, make it. Stop whining. If you don't want me to move a chair, stop by and offer to do it for me.
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And if the Chef/owner/boss doesn't want it moved at all because it fucks up the flow of staff and product?
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2. I don't expect a free desert, but since you're so expert apparently you've never realized that some folks only eat out on special occasions. You know, like birthdays. Be prepared to acknowledge them.
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You're obviously a lot more civilized than typical birthday restaurant-goers. While working at a pizza joint in college, I once had to defuse a pair of drunken idiots who decided that "it's mah burfday!" excused shouting at waitstaff and demanding free pizza, beer, and dessert. I know I am far from alone in this experience.
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3. Lock your fucking door. Sorry, we're closed. Please come back during our regular hours of operation.
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Doesn't work that way. After shutdown, trash has to be taken out, floor-mats have to be washed, windows need washing...all of which requires either that the door be unlocked, or that someone be dedicated to sitting by the door with a key. Even if the door -is- locked, and the lights off, people will frequently come up to the door and bang, pound, push and slam on it in an effort to gain entry and access to munchies. When you appear from The Back wiping your hands, the first thing they ask is "Y'all open?" despite the fact that the hours are clearly posted, the door is locked, the sign says "Closed" and all the lights are out. If you're lucky enough to have a back door, you're also unlucky enough that these jerks will find it, gain entry, and demand food.
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4. You're not obligated to hold my table, but if something unforeseen happens and you can accommodate me, you should. Builds patronage.
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Quite correct. But neither is anybody obligated to inconvenience people who -did- show up on time by accommodating someone who did not.
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5. Can't train your staff to handle this situation? Go to a seminar.
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And when Jackwagon looses his temper, starts cursing at the waitstaff, and puts other paying diners off their food, what then? I have seen this happen more than once.
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6. If it's inconvenient, don't answer the phone. Don't worry, I'll just call another restaurant. There are thousands of good ones.
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We're not talking about inconvenience. We're talking here about a jerkoff who calls up during the Lunch Rush (when all the planning in the world can't keep it from being All Hands On Deck) and keeps you on the phone for 30+ minutes asking about every single item on the menu. "Is it Organic? Is it lactose-free? Is there garlic in -that- sauce too, or just the sauce on the -last- pizza? There aren't any onions, are there?" And most of the time these assholes don't spend any money, they're just calling around comparison shopping!