Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - [Men Only] -Where do you draw the line with verbal/mental abuse?

Anonymous Member · 10-07-2010, 06:43 AM

I suppose this is largely the response I expected - I reason that it'd be rather difficult for a rational person to conclude anything else based on my description of her and I, and were I also a third party I know I'd similarly conclude that the relationship was toxic. To add some more to round out the picture from my perspective --

Coming back to read these responses this morning I felt defensive - like how dare you speak so rudely about someone I love. I mean I do, I really do. Even if it did get to the point of breaking it off with her, the hardest part would be seeing her face. I don't want to bring her any pain, and she really is a sweet girl who doesn't *want* to upset people.

Last night was a complete reversal of the behavior I've described here.. she was excessively nice, grateful for me buying dinner, and we sat and watched TV and even held hands. It's this type of almost bipolar switch that has me constantly questioning whether it's really mental/verbal abuse or just me overreacting to her understandable frustrations. That's why I was curious especially for other experiences, how often being moody/upset is experienced by other men from their wives/girlfriends. How much is acceptable, and how much is too much? I have no good way of deciding where that line is.. especially because of my past and my nature as a "person pleaser / don't make waves" kind of person.

I feel almost foolish reading through my description above because with the kindness fresh in mind it seems overly harsh, and if she were to read it she'd almost certainly burst into tears at reading it.

I really appreciate the people who gave me their personal experience. I'm a very analytical person and I thoroughly understand my situation, but what I don't have is a way to compare it to what is truly 'normal' out there - my sample size is rather limited.

As such, is not having sex for a year really that abnormal? I think if this were the only issue I brought up, some TFP posters might be willing to defend it as some sort of hormonal difference or something I wasn't doing for her. I thought when people were married their most common complaint is that they rarely had sex - or are those just ancedotes for comic relief? We're essentially married in my mind; neither of us is particularly keen on the legal concept of marriage and we have considerable shared assets and shared habitation for most of the relationship. We'd certainly qualify as common-law married in the eyes of our friends.

Sex has never been very prominent in our relationship - at the beginning I was a essentially a virgin (I'd been with other girls, but sex had ended in mishaps, really) and so I had performance anxiety issues, I think. She was really pushy about it when we first dated but I always felt pressured and always failed to perform. We've probably only had sex two or three dozen times in the time we've been together.

I think she sort of gave up at some point and now doesn't want to do it. Last year in October (hence a year) when we did sort of fool around she was upset that we didn't have sex and I just pleased her because she wanted me to 'be pleased' but I felt so pressured again and so nothing was really happening down there. Again, I also cannot rule out an attraction issue; her to me, or me to her. I don't have a huge pool to draw from but I do feel some sort of attraction.. not the same as I have to other women I've seen but still I do. I think she finds me attractive, if her what she has said about it actually reflects her inner experience.

It is further complicated by the situation; we've just moved and she is unemployed, so I'd put her in an awfully tough spot if she had to move out. I don't think she really could. She also owes me a couple grand for various expenses throughout the relationship, including costs of the move and other non-shared things. We've been in this situation a few times before in our relationship - not really her fault, but she's always made half (or less) than I do, and has been laid off a few times. I'm sure the money imbalance contributes to her and my feelings.

We share a lot in common, both enjoy video games, both enjoy similar movies. We have similar political beliefs and essentially identical religious beliefs (or lack thereof) and a generally similar identical outlook on life. I'm a shy extrovert and she's an introvert, so that is a continual strain. I want to go out and meet people, and do things - but as a shy extrovert I find it hard to do it alone. As an introvert, she doesn't want to go at all, so I rarely do go alone. If I do go alone I feel like she's upset (whether she really is or not) that I've left her home alone.

Would those of you who indicated that I should evacuate, posthaste, still advise so given the additional context above?

10-07-2010, 06:43 AM	#22 (permalink)
Anonymous Member Addict	I suppose this is largely the response I expected - I reason that it'd be rather difficult for a rational person to conclude anything else based on my description of her and I, and were I also a third party I know I'd similarly conclude that the relationship was toxic. To add some more to round out the picture from my perspective -- Coming back to read these responses this morning I felt defensive - like how dare you speak so rudely about someone I love. I mean I do, I really do. Even if it did get to the point of breaking it off with her, the hardest part would be seeing her face. I don't want to bring her any pain, and she really is a sweet girl who doesn't want to upset people. Last night was a complete reversal of the behavior I've described here.. she was excessively nice, grateful for me buying dinner, and we sat and watched TV and even held hands. It's this type of almost bipolar switch that has me constantly questioning whether it's really mental/verbal abuse or just me overreacting to her understandable frustrations. That's why I was curious especially for other experiences, how often being moody/upset is experienced by other men from their wives/girlfriends. How much is acceptable, and how much is too much? I have no good way of deciding where that line is.. especially because of my past and my nature as a "person pleaser / don't make waves" kind of person. I feel almost foolish reading through my description above because with the kindness fresh in mind it seems overly harsh, and if she were to read it she'd almost certainly burst into tears at reading it. I really appreciate the people who gave me their personal experience. I'm a very analytical person and I thoroughly understand my situation, but what I don't have is a way to compare it to what is truly 'normal' out there - my sample size is rather limited. As such, is not having sex for a year really that abnormal? I think if this were the only issue I brought up, some TFP posters might be willing to defend it as some sort of hormonal difference or something I wasn't doing for her. I thought when people were married their most common complaint is that they rarely had sex - or are those just ancedotes for comic relief? We're essentially married in my mind; neither of us is particularly keen on the legal concept of marriage and we have considerable shared assets and shared habitation for most of the relationship. We'd certainly qualify as common-law married in the eyes of our friends. Sex has never been very prominent in our relationship - at the beginning I was a essentially a virgin (I'd been with other girls, but sex had ended in mishaps, really) and so I had performance anxiety issues, I think. She was really pushy about it when we first dated but I always felt pressured and always failed to perform. We've probably only had sex two or three dozen times in the time we've been together. I think she sort of gave up at some point and now doesn't want to do it. Last year in October (hence a year) when we did sort of fool around she was upset that we didn't have sex and I just pleased her because she wanted me to 'be pleased' but I felt so pressured again and so nothing was really happening down there. Again, I also cannot rule out an attraction issue; her to me, or me to her. I don't have a huge pool to draw from but I do feel some sort of attraction.. not the same as I have to other women I've seen but still I do. I think she finds me attractive, if her what she has said about it actually reflects her inner experience. It is further complicated by the situation; we've just moved and she is unemployed, so I'd put her in an awfully tough spot if she had to move out. I don't think she really could. She also owes me a couple grand for various expenses throughout the relationship, including costs of the move and other non-shared things. We've been in this situation a few times before in our relationship - not really her fault, but she's always made half (or less) than I do, and has been laid off a few times. I'm sure the money imbalance contributes to her and my feelings. We share a lot in common, both enjoy video games, both enjoy similar movies. We have similar political beliefs and essentially identical religious beliefs (or lack thereof) and a generally similar identical outlook on life. I'm a shy extrovert and she's an introvert, so that is a continual strain. I want to go out and meet people, and do things - but as a shy extrovert I find it hard to do it alone. As an introvert, she doesn't want to go at all, so I rarely do go alone. If I do go alone I feel like she's upset (whether she really is or not) that I've left her home alone. Would those of you who indicated that I should evacuate, posthaste, still advise so given the additional context above?