Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - [Men Only] -Where do you draw the line with verbal/mental abuse?

levite · 10-06-2010, 02:14 PM

Listen, brother, don't take this the wrong way but...I'm not sure this relationship is salvageable. If you're feeling constantly scrutinized, nagged, and judged, to the point where you are unsure if it's mental or verbal abuse, and you haven't had sex in a year, this relationship is profoundly unhealthy.

My initial instinctive response is to advise that you get out of the relationship and find a healthier partner, with whom you have better communication and chemistry.

But I can also understand if you feel you have enough invested here that just up and getting out is not an option. If that's the case, my advice to you is to speak with her directly about this. Tell her you're not trying to fight, you're trying to communicate productively, and she needs to dialogue with you if the relationship is going to survive. I also deeply, deeply recommend couples counseling if you want to try and save this relationship. You guys clearly are not communicating, and from the sound of things, you need a safe space, with a safe facilitator, to learn how to communicate better and productively.

Frankly, individual therapy for yourself might not be unhelpful, too (if you're not already getting some). There's no shame in it: I've done it, almost everyone I know has done it, and I would wager a fair number of folks right here on TFP have done it. Therapy helps you help yourself, by giving you strength to confront your past, your present, and your options for how you want to live in the future.

My advice is, whether you try to save the relationship or not, work on you, because you deserve self-care.

10-06-2010, 02:14 PM	#5 (permalink)
levite Minion of Joss Location: The Windy City	Listen, brother, don't take this the wrong way but...I'm not sure this relationship is salvageable. If you're feeling constantly scrutinized, nagged, and judged, to the point where you are unsure if it's mental or verbal abuse, and you haven't had sex in a year, this relationship is profoundly unhealthy. My initial instinctive response is to advise that you get out of the relationship and find a healthier partner, with whom you have better communication and chemistry. But I can also understand if you feel you have enough invested here that just up and getting out is not an option. If that's the case, my advice to you is to speak with her directly about this. Tell her you're not trying to fight, you're trying to communicate productively, and she needs to dialogue with you if the relationship is going to survive. I also deeply, deeply recommend couples counseling if you want to try and save this relationship. You guys clearly are not communicating, and from the sound of things, you need a safe space, with a safe facilitator, to learn how to communicate better and productively. Frankly, individual therapy for yourself might not be unhelpful, too (if you're not already getting some). There's no shame in it: I've done it, almost everyone I know has done it, and I would wager a fair number of folks right here on TFP have done it. Therapy helps you help yourself, by giving you strength to confront your past, your present, and your options for how you want to live in the future. My advice is, whether you try to save the relationship or not, work on you, because you deserve self-care. __________________ Dull sublunary lovers love, Whose soul is sense, cannot admit Absence, because it doth remove That thing which elemented it. (From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)