Glad to help
As for not getting hard from just porn, etc. Personally, it depends. Like I said, I can't force an erection... That's just not how I work. As for erotic stories and porn (lol, almost wrote pron) If I'm in the mood? I'll most certainly get a raging hardon. However, I can't answer for most people, because I haven't really asked a whole lot of people about it. This would definitely be the place, though. Just wait, more people will pitch in!
To me it really does sound like your mental state is causing most of the problems. You say that you not having pleased her yet bothers you... Have you tried pleasing her first before she makes any sorts of moves on you? Personally, If I'm still wearing my pants by the time I have my S/O moaning... anyway... yeah, I'm raring to go.
Ask her if she would mind if you could initiate, and try to do it somewhere comfortable and relaxed if at all possible. Your mindset is a huge part of sex (Pretty sure I've said that before... oh well) I personally had an extremely unfortunate experience where I was taken advantage of whilst drunk, for the longest while afterward whenever I would try to do anything sexual, by myself or with my S/O. My sex drive just completly shut down.
Anyway, anxiety isn't quite that suvere, but can still make it very difficult to just enjoy yourself.
As for lubrication, I'm probably not the best resource, but still I'll do my best :P I went out and bought the K-Y intrigue. It's non-cooling, warming, tingling, etc. Which is exactly what I was looking for. I've only ever used it for vaginal intercourse, but it works quite well, doesn't dry up too quick, and doesn't leave a sticky mess. I don't actually know what it tastes like... In my experiences, saliva is the best oral lubrication.