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oliver9184 · 09-14-2010, 10:28 AM

Captivity (2007) 3/10 - SPOILERS - is a limp horror with Elisha Cuthbert clearly trying to take advantage of the Saw series' surprisingly consistent popularity. Cuthbert plays Jennifer Tree which is an awful name for a main character. It's a joke name. Are real people called Tree? Anyway Jennifer Tree is some sort of model who is abducted in the film's first few minutes. Apparently a criminal baddie madman has seen her on television and wants to do ghastly things to her. So he kidnaps her ridiculously but with remarkable ease and takes her somewhere that's supposed to be a warehouse or a basement but it just looks like a generic film set. So far so good. As Ms Tree is a fairly nondescript, vapid and dislikeable character, we couldn't be blamed for expecting (hoping even) awful things to be done to her, just like in Saw or Hostel. But oh no - we have it wrong. Unfortunately Tree IS the hero, and we were supposed to like her and hope that she will get away. So she doesn't get hurt at all. The worst things that happen to her are that she blasts her horrible little dog with a shotgun and she gets forcefed some liquified human remains. Regardless of quality (which is universally poor) there is just not enough content here for a half hour TV show let a lone a proper feature film. Scenes take far longer than they need to and everything's done with such a slapdash lack of effort that it's not surprising to learn that the film was shot in Russia by a crew who spoke no English. What IS surprising though is the pedigree of its creators: director Roland Joffé, who twenty years prior was making films like The Killing Fields and The Mission; and writer Larry Cohen, for better or worse an absolute stalwart of maverick genre cinema for over forty years. How and why they came together to make this sorry sack of shit is anybody's guess.

Anchorman (2004) 4/10 is a purile and tedious, mostly unfunny comedy, quite the worst I've seen so far from Judd Apatow's (occasionally funny) comedy making machine. The setup sees a female news reporter (alarmingly unattractive Christina Applegate) trying to muscle in on the anchoring gig of legendary newsman Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell). Almost all of the -intended- humour is based on Burgundy and his cronies (Steve Carrell and Paul Rudd and someone else) being OUTRAGEOUSLY sexist towards their new colleague. But because they are such brainless buffoons she generally gets the last laugh by doing nothing more than behaving like a normal rational human (albeit a frighteningly haggard one). The stuff being offered for laughs here is in the main a very broad, base and sometimes unbelievably obvious gutter-level humour: for British equivalents think Little Britain or Catherine Tate. The Hangover was a fairly broad and at times very base blokey comedy but it had some originality and a caper plot and a hint of cleverness that's completely missing from Anchorman. Observe and Report similarly features a deluded and crass idiot as its protagonist and is a film that does everything right that Anchorman does wrong. Apart from simply having an actor who can act, and is funny, playing a properly written character, Observe & Report has a wild dangerousness that's totally refreshing when you watch it. By comparison Anchorman's a cardboard cutout - all about boorish sex jokes, silly cameos from people who should know better, and a lot of baffling non sequiturs which were presumably once jokes of some sort but have long since had their meaning AND funnyness squashed out of them by larger-than-life Ferrell and his insufferable friends.

Just Cause (1995) 5/10 is a boring and silly legal drama with Sean Connery and Laurence Fishburne; the only reason for watching it is a frightening, hyperkinetic and frankly showboating bit part by Ed Harris.

The Illusionist (2010) 7/10. This film's lack of dialogue grated on me before long, as one has to guess and infer what's happening, but the animation style is nice to look at (except for where conspicuous and jarring 3D models are used).

Disclosure (1994) 7/10 - SPOILERS - is a preposterous drama/thriller with added sex and Michael Crichton techno trappings starring Michael Douglas and Demi Moore. She's his new boss at a high-tec computer firm and after a late-night fumble in which he doesn't finish what she starts, she alleges sexual harrassment. The allegations and corporate intrigue rumble back and forth via Donald Sutherland for the film's duration, until he finds out that the company intends to hang him out to dry because the controversy surrounding him is threatening a merger that's about to take place. Thankfully and brilliantly the story requires Douglas to access an actual real life virtual reality computer system in order to find some evidence that will exonerate him. Michael Douglas and the VR sequences are the reason for watching this film and they are totally worth the wait. His inevitable vindication and Demi Moore's spectacular fall from the top are the icing on the cake.

The Omen (1976) 8/10 gets busted down a point on latest viewing. It's a silly story well told but it's not at all scary and I really can't remember ever having been scared by it even as a child. When you think about The Shining or The Exorcist it seems pretty tame.

Gimme Shelter (1970) 7/10. Concert.

Hart's War (2002) 6/10. Earnest.

Inception (2010) 10/10. Cerebral.

Bolt (2008) 8/10. Charming.

Sky High (2005) 8/10. Gratifying.

Whisper of the Heart (1995) 8/10. Reticent.

Wallace & Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005) 8/10. Cute.

Final Destination 3 (2006) 5/10. Dumb.

The Nanny Diaries (2007) 7/10. Sweet.

Barry Lyndon (1975) 8/10. Long.

To Kill a King (2003) 7/10. Worthy.

09-14-2010, 10:28 AM	#3890 (permalink)
oliver9184 Psycho	Captivity (2007) 3/10 - SPOILERS - is a limp horror with Elisha Cuthbert clearly trying to take advantage of the Saw series' surprisingly consistent popularity. Cuthbert plays Jennifer Tree which is an awful name for a main character. It's a joke name. Are real people called Tree? Anyway Jennifer Tree is some sort of model who is abducted in the film's first few minutes. Apparently a criminal baddie madman has seen her on television and wants to do ghastly things to her. So he kidnaps her ridiculously but with remarkable ease and takes her somewhere that's supposed to be a warehouse or a basement but it just looks like a generic film set. So far so good. As Ms Tree is a fairly nondescript, vapid and dislikeable character, we couldn't be blamed for expecting (hoping even) awful things to be done to her, just like in Saw or Hostel. But oh no - we have it wrong. Unfortunately Tree IS the hero, and we were supposed to like her and hope that she will get away. So she doesn't get hurt at all. The worst things that happen to her are that she blasts her horrible little dog with a shotgun and she gets forcefed some liquified human remains. Regardless of quality (which is universally poor) there is just not enough content here for a half hour TV show let a lone a proper feature film. Scenes take far longer than they need to and everything's done with such a slapdash lack of effort that it's not surprising to learn that the film was shot in Russia by a crew who spoke no English. What IS surprising though is the pedigree of its creators: director Roland Joffé, who twenty years prior was making films like The Killing Fields and The Mission; and writer Larry Cohen, for better or worse an absolute stalwart of maverick genre cinema for over forty years. How and why they came together to make this sorry sack of shit is anybody's guess. Anchorman (2004) 4/10 is a purile and tedious, mostly unfunny comedy, quite the worst I've seen so far from Judd Apatow's (occasionally funny) comedy making machine. The setup sees a female news reporter (alarmingly unattractive Christina Applegate) trying to muscle in on the anchoring gig of legendary newsman Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell). Almost all of the -intended- humour is based on Burgundy and his cronies (Steve Carrell and Paul Rudd and someone else) being OUTRAGEOUSLY sexist towards their new colleague. But because they are such brainless buffoons she generally gets the last laugh by doing nothing more than behaving like a normal rational human (albeit a frighteningly haggard one). The stuff being offered for laughs here is in the main a very broad, base and sometimes unbelievably obvious gutter-level humour: for British equivalents think Little Britain or Catherine Tate. The Hangover was a fairly broad and at times very base blokey comedy but it had some originality and a caper plot and a hint of cleverness that's completely missing from Anchorman. Observe and Report similarly features a deluded and crass idiot as its protagonist and is a film that does everything right that Anchorman does wrong. Apart from simply having an actor who can act, and is funny, playing a properly written character, Observe & Report has a wild dangerousness that's totally refreshing when you watch it. By comparison Anchorman's a cardboard cutout - all about boorish sex jokes, silly cameos from people who should know better, and a lot of baffling non sequiturs which were presumably once jokes of some sort but have long since had their meaning AND funnyness squashed out of them by larger-than-life Ferrell and his insufferable friends. Just Cause (1995) 5/10 is a boring and silly legal drama with Sean Connery and Laurence Fishburne; the only reason for watching it is a frightening, hyperkinetic and frankly showboating bit part by Ed Harris. The Illusionist (2010) 7/10. This film's lack of dialogue grated on me before long, as one has to guess and infer what's happening, but the animation style is nice to look at (except for where conspicuous and jarring 3D models are used). Disclosure (1994) 7/10 - SPOILERS - is a preposterous drama/thriller with added sex and Michael Crichton techno trappings starring Michael Douglas and Demi Moore. She's his new boss at a high-tec computer firm and after a late-night fumble in which he doesn't finish what she starts, she alleges sexual harrassment. The allegations and corporate intrigue rumble back and forth via Donald Sutherland for the film's duration, until he finds out that the company intends to hang him out to dry because the controversy surrounding him is threatening a merger that's about to take place. Thankfully and brilliantly the story requires Douglas to access an actual real life virtual reality computer system in order to find some evidence that will exonerate him. Michael Douglas and the VR sequences are the reason for watching this film and they are totally worth the wait. His inevitable vindication and Demi Moore's spectacular fall from the top are the icing on the cake. The Omen (1976) 8/10 gets busted down a point on latest viewing. It's a silly story well told but it's not at all scary and I really can't remember ever having been scared by it even as a child. When you think about The Shining or The Exorcist it seems pretty tame. Gimme Shelter (1970) 7/10. Concert. Hart's War (2002) 6/10. Earnest. Inception (2010) 10/10. Cerebral. Bolt (2008) 8/10. Charming. Sky High (2005) 8/10. Gratifying. Whisper of the Heart (1995) 8/10. Reticent. Wallace & Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005) 8/10. Cute. Final Destination 3 (2006) 5/10. Dumb. The Nanny Diaries (2007) 7/10. Sweet. Barry Lyndon (1975) 8/10. Long. To Kill a King (2003) 7/10. Worthy.