OK, so this was with my First (a VERY long time ago). We had made out a couple of times, and finally decided we were going to be "secret boyfriend and girlfriend" (translation: fuckbuddies, but she didn't want her cheerleader friends knowing that she was shagging a geek, and I didn't want my emo-punk proto-goth friends knowing that I was doing a "popular" girl). Both of us were virgins, though we'd both "done stuff" before.
My dad was out of town, so I had the place for a couple of nights. She came over. I was big with the romance: wine, candles, roses, and I borrowed my dad's silk sheets.
Fortunately, I was spared the condom necessity by the fact that she was on birth control pills (and this was before everyone knew about AIDS and the need to always wear a condom no matter what). However....
Having never actually had sexual intercourse, I had no clue just how wet a girl might get, or whether it would be enough, or anything like that. And after all, she was a virgin. So I presumed that we would definitely need lube.
Which I duly procured: a large squeeze bottle of it. And when the moment came, I got it out, and squirted a generous squeeze right up inside this girl. Apparently this was stimulating for her, because as I brought the bottle away from her goodies, she moaned and gave my dick a firm stroke, which felt great-- but caused me to involuntarily squeeze the bottle again. Hard. Her junk. My junk. Her stomach. My thighs. The bed. It was like the Exxon Valdez crashed into our genitals. But we were young and horny, and felt like we couldn't be bothered to wait. So we tried to get down to it.
Anyone ever tried oiled-up wrestling? Hard to hold on, right? So maybe you get the picture when I say it took us a good ten minutes just to hold still enough for me to get it in. Another five to ten minutes of a couple of thrusts followed by me slipping out, or me slipping off of her, or-- I kid you not-- her squirting off my dick and sliding backwards on those damn silk sheets.
But also, ever put too much lube inside a woman? It's squelchy, am I right? So we're fifteen, twenty minutes into this debacle, when...I'm sorry, I don't know any other way to put this: pussy farts. Big time. Wet with lube. She was mortified. I couldn't stop laughing. She couldn't stop 'em. Didn't help that we kept slipping and falling and sliding around, all oiled up, on this silk.
Thus ended the "first time." It took a lot of sweet talking to convince her into a second time.
Which, thank God, was much better. It was also free of lube, and none proved to ever be needed. But I had ruined my dad's silk sheets, and had to tell him that I tried to launder them, but they caught on fire in the dryer. Whether he ever believed me, I still don't know.
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Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.
(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)
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