Okay I get being curious and maybe to shy to go buy a sex toy but nobody should be THAT curious! I'd love to have heard the conversation leading up to inserting a chandelier bulb...somebody had to be selling that one hard. I'm going to go with the husband, if I'd done that to my non existent wife I'd probably being laying low too.
Anyway...'nother one!
When I was in college I worked at a summer camp to earn extra money. It was a great job too, I worked as part of a 2 man maintenance crew with one of my best friends, it paid pretty good, the work was easy, we had lots of time to sit around getting high or drunk between jobs...and the camp was full of horny girls with nothing better to do at night then to knock a few back and practice being wild sex crazy college girls before the fall semester started. Summer heaven. (okay maybe not but it felt like it at times)
About a month or so into the summer we got a third crew member, a young kid named Sam. We liked him right off the bat, he clicked with us and seemed to be enjoying our summer of slacking off. He was a little sheltered, it was his first time away from home (I think he'd just turned 18) and obviously didn't possess any kind of girl gettin' mojo...he was just so god damned awkward. We'd invite him out with us after work to hang out with the girls but he always managed to fuck it up one way or another, strike out and go back to his cabin alone...I can't begin to explain how hard that would be to do in that environment. Eventually he asks if we can help him out and give him a few pointers so he could actually get laid just once before going back home. We obliged and to be honest he couldn't have made a worse mistake.
Hitting up camp 'tang for sex at that point was second nature to us, I don't think we even put any thought into it anymore so teaching somebody how to go about doing it was a lot more difficult then we imagined, if that makes any sense. Worse still by the middle of summer we were the very picture of burn outs and probably not the best people to take advice from. "Dude was she drunk? Just take into the canoe shed it should work itself out". Nothing was working and by the final week of summer he still hadn't gotten laid, it was getting awkward and quite honestly statistically he should have at least gotten a blow job or something by then. So desperate times called for desperate measures.
Having worked there for a few summers we knew a lot of town folk as well, including a girl named Jackie. She was, for lack of a better word "experienced" with the fellows but she was good looking and willing to help the poor kid out (we actually told her it was his birthday). So we stuck her in the cabin we used down by the lake, picked him up from dinner, liquored him up a bit, gave him a pep talk and shoved him through the door. Certainly nature would take its course right?
With all the time we'd invested in this we decided to hang around outside and see how the whole thing went down. We passed a bowl back and forth and listened for any sign of life inside the cabin, but there was nothing just complete and absolute silence. Suddenly there was a bit of commotion and Sam came hauling ass out of the cabin door (sans pants) and nearly sprinted down the trail, the poor kind looked like he'd seen a ghost. We head on inside and Jackie is laying there, half nude and smoking a cigarette. We asked her what happened and she explained that he no idea what he was doing, he had her tit in a vice like squeeze and was just standing there motionless. She took control and decided for some reason that she'd teach him how to properly fist a girl (really? kids first time and you think THATS a good idea?). Taking his hand she tried to guide him position and just as his fingers got into are about to touch the promised land, he blows his load, yanks his hand away and tears out of the cabin. I guess he wasn't quite ready for that just yet. Worse still she hung around the rest of the night trying to hit us up for sex and drinking all of our beer, what a disaster.
We apologized to him the next day and he was pretty cool about it but the great sex quest of '03 had run its course.
EDIT: Snuck in on me there Shadow, great story! Again I think we can ALL relate to awkward first time sex, seriously it would just be so much easier with a manual.